Sunday, April 15, 2007
Don't be alone. Use the phone.
I am having a rough patch. I had myself so together earlier. He admitted to using on Friday with his friend who was going away to rehab. I really got myself worked up, and I couldn't calm down.
I am scared. I was in the bathroom, lying on the floor, crying and crying and crying. I don't know why. I guess at least a teeny, tiny part of me wanted to believe his lie, that it was his friend's stuff. I am ashamed that even a piece of me believed him.
I just want him to be ok. I want him to do the right thing. I want everything to switch--right now, I feel like sometimes I get a window through the addict to my husband. If the addict always has to be there, I want to feel like sometimes I get a window through my husband to the addict.
I called a person from the program when I was unable to soothe myself. It was really helpful. Immediately upon getting her on the phone, I felt better. It got me out of my head, which was important. She also validated something for me that I've been struggling with. While I've been securing my financial and physical self against his being able to take advantage of me, I haven't been taking care of my head.
He is tattooing right now. When he finished, we're going to go somewhere because we have so many people staying with us. We're going to talk.
I'm going to tell him how scared all this makes me, and I'm going to ask him to go to some kind of treatment program. I need to know that he is doing something for his head besides just abstaining most of the time from drugs. The woman I spoke to tonight gave me a website that lists addiction treatment options, and I've pulled up several in our area.
I hope this isn't too ugly. I wish he'd finish so we could go talk.