Monday, April 16, 2007
At the bottom of this bottomless pit
I feel like this grief I'm feeling won't end. I feel like I could cry forever tonight. He is trying to tell me that I am focusing on all the bad things and not noticing that there are so many good things, so much hope.
I am sorry that I cannot see it. I want to be a good wife. I want to do things the right way. I don't want to make him feel bad. I don't want him to walk all over me. I am so deeply, deeply angry and sad and scared.
The feeling that I have most is profound fear. I am afraid I'll be dealing with this for five or six years before I realize I've had enough. I am afraid that we are destroying this way that I love him. I am afraid that I am going to lose the most beautiful feeling.
I guess remaining in this relationship is, in many ways, quite like what an addict does. No matter what the consequences are, when it has become clear that remaining with this man is destructive to my health, my sanity, my other relationships, I continue to stay. I am as hooked on the feeling that I get from him as he is on heroin.
This is sad and desperate. I thought I was done with sad and desperate. I thought I was having a new life that was going to be different, bright, filled with love.
I wonder if all relationships work this way--if they are all these long, horrible experiences of decay and disappointment. I suppose all of life is, in many ways, a long, degenerative disease--addiction is a life-long, degenerative, disease. Everything is constantly moving towards darkness, moving away from our understanding of the ideal state or our experience of the ideal state.
I know that the good times with my husband were the best moments of my life. I've felt more profoundly connected to him than I ever have to another human being. I cherish those moments and those feelings, and the grief over losing that part of myself is so frighteningly deep.
I was thinking today what a gift my honesty with him has always been. I have withheld truths from him, but I haven't ever told him a lie. I've never looked in his eyes and willfully deceived him. It's a great gift to love and respect someone enough to give them the truth.