Monday, April 16, 2007

At the bottom of this bottomless pit

I feel like this grief I'm feeling won't end. I feel like I could cry forever tonight. He is trying to tell me that I am focusing on all the bad things and not noticing that there are so many good things, so much hope.

I am sorry that I cannot see it. I want to be a good wife. I want to do things the right way. I don't want to make him feel bad. I don't want him to walk all over me. I am so deeply, deeply angry and sad and scared.

The feeling that I have most is profound fear. I am afraid I'll be dealing with this for five or six years before I realize I've had enough. I am afraid that we are destroying this way that I love him. I am afraid that I am going to lose the most beautiful feeling.

I guess remaining in this relationship is, in many ways, quite like what an addict does. No matter what the consequences are, when it has become clear that remaining with this man is destructive to my health, my sanity, my other relationships, I continue to stay. I am as hooked on the feeling that I get from him as he is on heroin.

This is sad and desperate. I thought I was done with sad and desperate. I thought I was having a new life that was going to be different, bright, filled with love.

I wonder if all relationships work this way--if they are all these long, horrible experiences of decay and disappointment. I suppose all of life is, in many ways, a long, degenerative disease--addiction is a life-long, degenerative, disease. Everything is constantly moving towards darkness, moving away from our understanding of the ideal state or our experience of the ideal state.

I know that the good times with my husband were the best moments of my life. I've felt more profoundly connected to him than I ever have to another human being. I cherish those moments and those feelings, and the grief over losing that part of myself is so frighteningly deep.

I was thinking today what a gift my honesty with him has always been. I have withheld truths from him, but I haven't ever told him a lie. I've never looked in his eyes and willfully deceived him. It's a great gift to love and respect someone enough to give them the truth.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to say this, and I understand that I know nothing, but I think you should leave him.

I've known women who went down the path you did, I never saw anything good from it.

These are questions you should ask yourself - Are you enabling his addiction by staying with him? By not leaving, are you giving him a reason to continue his drug abuse?

MPJ said...

I have been reading your blog and have been touched by the thoughtfulness and strength in the face of so much turmoil. And I can relate to where you are now, the fear and the despair.

My husband's addiction is sex, not drugs. Different way of getting to the high, but same lies and deception and pain -- some of the same fears, but obviously not all.

You are reaching out -- and that means there is a good chance you will find a hand to help you out of that dark place. Peace to you, and thanks for sharing.

MM said...

"I am as hooked on the feeling that I get from him as he is on heroin."

How telling...

Anonymous said...

I felt the same feelings years ago, sadly I wasted my young years on an addict who said all the right things, (as G does) and made me have hope. I was so naive. Years after he secretly used all our savings,remortaged our home, borrowed money and ruined my credit, I left him. He sat me on the couch one night and told me everything I feared, I thought all the bull shit was behind us, he told me it was, oh how naive I was. Please get away from him...Tatess