The Drama of the Cell Phone Charger

My husband is spending the night with his family tonight, and I was quite excited to come home and have an empty house. I like him lately, so I was a little sad for him to go, and I'm always a little uncomfortable with his family and their penchant for drugging with him...but mostly, I was looking forward to quiet and alone time.

I called a girlfriend on the way home from work so we could whine together about our jobs, our men, and all that, and when I came in the door, I sat down on the couch to keep talking to her. I reached down to find my cell phone charger, which I leave plugged in next to the couch, so that I could charge the phone while we chatted.

It wasn't there. I figured Mr. Junky had moved it, as he sometimes uses my cell phone charger to charge his MP3 player. I called him up to ask him where he'd put it, and he immediately began apologizing. He'd taken it with him to charge his MP3 player without thinking about how it was also my cell phone charger. I asked him if he could drop it off in the morning, and he told me that he might not be able to, but that he'd ask his ride to come by the house.

I recognize that this is not a very big deal at all. I recognize that it was a mistake on his part. I acknowledge that there's nothing that he can do about it now, and that he was really sorry when he realized what he'd done.

Still, though, when we got off the phone, I kind of crumbled into tears.

I asked myself, "How important is it? Will you care about the cell phone charger 5 years from now?"

And the answer is of course I won't care. I won't even remember it. But 5 years from now if my husband is careless with my things, will it still make me fall apart? Maybe.

See, it's not just a cell phone charger. It's a lot of other things to me. It's him being careless with my stuff, being self-absorbed, thinking about his pleasure as more important than everything else in the world. It's him not being able to see past himself, to recognize me and my needs.

It's him not being responsible. He doesn't have his own ride, so he can't bring the cell phone charger back to me. He's at the mercy of whoever is driving him around. It's him being unemployed, so I can't afford to go out and buy a new charger for the mean time. It's him having that damned MP3 player in the first place, which he either stole or purchased with money that should have gone towards bills. It's all the other times he's fucked with my stuff...taking my car and not bringing it back, stealing my things, pawning, lying, trading, giving away.

It's all of that somehow, even though I know it's none of it at the same time. It's not a big deal, and it's a very big deal. It's a big deal that there's so much damage in this relationship, so much hurt in me from his actions that will take so long to heal. It bothers me that such a small slip on his part sends me reeling, but this frustration is so familiar...

I have to acknowledge that things have been good between us for a pretty long time now, at least a long time for us, and that he's still trying to stay clean. I am tired today, as I didn't sleep well last night because I'm a little sick, and that might be making me a little touchier than I usually am. I just wish I could take an eraser to so much of our past and start fresh...

Bears, Dogs, and Trust

"For humans and other animals, play is a universal training course and language of trust. The belief that one is safe with another being or in any situation is formed over time during regular play. Trust is the basis of intimacy, cooperation, creativity, successful work, and more."

I was reading this article about a polar bear and a husky playing, and it made me think about trust. Those of you who have lived with an addict know that the violations of your trust hurt like nothing else. That pain comes back, again and again and again. I'll think I'm done with a lie he's told, some money he's taken, some incident in the endless incidents where my trust in him was violated, and then, there is it is again, cutting me from the inside out.

The polar bear and the husky made me think, though, about how we build trust back, and the different kinds of trust that we can establish in a relationship. I do not trust that my husband won't lie to me, won't steal from me. He's an addict. Addicts lie and steal. He's in early recovery, and he's doing his best, and I trust that he's doing his best...but I don't trust HIM.

However, I like this idea of play as a way of developing trust, intimacy, creativity. It makes sense and feels true, and it's something that we're good at. No day passes without laughter, lots of laughter, in our home. We play together, a lot. We're sexually playful and playfully playful and giggly and silly and rambunctious and fun together. We're also good at being creative together, taking on fun projects together, making stuff, or sitting beside each other while we each make our own stuff. I'd always thought of this shared passion and the fun we have as a rich resource in our relationship, but I'd never thought of our fun as a way of building trust.

So thank you, dogs and bears, for that little lesson. Soon, it's time to go home, and I'm going to tackle Mr. Junky on the bed and tickle him until he cries.