Pleasure.

...when you sense a faint potentiality for happiness after such dark times you must grab onto the ankles of that happiness and not let go until it drags you face-first out of the dirt — this is not selfishness, but obligation. You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

-Elizabeth Gilbert

Today, I realized that I have very little pleasure in my life, and I haven't for a long time. I am in a financial mess because I'm waiting for my husband, the madman, to fix himself and get back to work. I've waited too long. It's time to start fixing my financial mess myself.

I have a lovely, artsy, freelance and fun job, but it's a job that just barely pays my bills. I get my paycheck, I pay my bills, and then the money is gone until the next paycheck. If he would work, then there'd be enough money for some joy in my life: some yoga classes, some nice meals out, a movie now and then, an expensive coffee, a new pair of shoes. Right now, there is nothing extra. He's not going to work. I'm going to have to find a new job.

I'd thought of having to get a new job before, but it felt like something I wasn't ready for yet. Today, it came to me with that pre-packaged, fully formed, fully processed feeling that means it's not my decision anymore. What praying I've been doing to try to figure out how I'm going to get out of my financial bind has worked: I'm going to start looking for another job. I'm going to find a job that will give me some paid time off, some health insurance, and all those other wonderful accoutrements of adulthood.

Even if I get a lame-ass job, a suit job with shitty hours and a shitty boss and all kind of shittiness, it will be a job that will pay my bills, and I'll stop dawdling in this desperate financial quagmire. I'll get myself back in control of my life, and I'll fix my house up a bit so that I can sell it in a few years, and then, I'll go back to school.

Something inside me feels pleased to have this plan. A plan is good, and it's my plan that has nothing to do with him. He's welcome to come along for the ride, I guess. Tonight, he's welcome to come along for the ride. I'm tired of spinning my wheels here, and I hope that making some moves will mean that there will be good things coming.

In doing my fourth step inventory, I've realized that one of my biggest character defects is impetuosity. I'm hoping that having a plan with a bit of scope...I'll get a lame grown-up job and keep it for a few years until I get my finances squared away and am able to sell my house, and then I'll go back to school...will keep me from suddenly deciding to become an astronaut or a ballerina or a lawyer or a flight attendant or any of the myriads of things I often scheme up when I'm feeling desperate and in need of an escape. I don't want to escape anymore. I want to change, but I want to change in a way that's lasting, permanent, and right. I want to grow, not just run away.

Want to help?

I'd like some guest bloggers to submit some stuff. If you think some of my opinions are crazy, why don't you write a post saying so? Or if you think that some of my plans or approaches are all wrong/heroic/ridiculous/genius, let me know about it, and I'll post it on the blog.

If you have any experience of your own with addiction, either in your own life or with a family member, and you'd like to tell your story, email it to me, and I'll post it here for you.

An Idea

First, I am giving myself kudos for waiting until now to blog! Yay self-control!

Second, what if I decided to take some classes to become a substance abuse counselor? I seem to have a great affinity for addicts, and I also seem very interested in addiction. It might help me feel like I'm doing something good for the world.

I love my current job, but occasionally I have these useless fits of guilt because I don't feel like I'm giving anything back. I'm kind of a hippy. I feel guilty that my work is so self-indulgent. I write about things that are interesting, beautiful, and useless. It might be good for me to have a skill that I can use to help people.

I'm currently writing an article about a woman who, after her own struggle with addiction, became a substance abuse counselor and now works at the clinic where she got clean. I thought that the work might be really interesting, and my current job is flexible enough that I could go to school for a while and also eventually work a part time job in addition to doing what I do here.

I know the substance abuse counselors at the methadone clinic where we were going for a while worked only really early in the mornings, so maybe I could do something like that. I'm going to look into it! Yay school! The classes at the community college aren't so expensive, and maybe I could teach a class in addition to pay some of the tuition.

Oh, I love new schemes!