Faith.

I'm working the second step today with my sponsees. I'm excited. I am finding, lately, that I need some regr0unding in the God steps.

Faith has never come easy to me, and I'm exploring why. I don't have faith in anything. I don't have faith in God, or at least I don't easily trust. I have to beat my head against whatever it is I'm fighting for a long, long time, and when I prove to myself thoroughly well that I can't do whatever it is on my own, I put my faith in God as a last resort. What a better life I would have if I could put that faith first!

I don't have faith in myself. I don't believe that I am capable, and I don't believe that I have the life that I want. Just last night, I was in my bathtub, crying quietly like I do, thinking about all the plans I'd had for myself that I hadn't yet fulfilled. I thought that by this point in my life, I'd be a successful writer. I thought I'd be teaching. I thought I'd have a home of my own and a family. For some reason, it seems like I haven't accomplished those things, even though I've actually accomplished every single one of them, just not in the way I'd thought I would. I earn my living teaching and writing. I am married to the love of my life, and we're finding our way in spite of some big setbacks early on. We have a house that's charming as hell when we can manage to keep it together. I don't know why none of this seemed like enough, but I know that a part of my perception of failure is that I don't believe I am capable of fulfilling my own desires.

I don't know why. I've shown myself again and again that I can come through for myself. I've also been shown again and again that God will take care of what I can't do for myself. I've never missed a mortgage payment in these last two years I've been paying the bills without help, and it really doesn't make sense that I've been able to pull it off...it's been loaves and fishes, multiplying.

So in spite of evidence, which shouldn't be necessary anyway with faith, I still struggle with faith.

I'm going to keep pushing on, though...because I think I do have a mustard seed. I think I have faith, if nothing else, in the process, and I believe that I can change this stuff...

Fate. Faith.

Today, I'm mad at my life. I'm mad at all the circumstances that brought me here and now. I know it's not how I'm supposed to do it. I'm supposed to be grateful. I'm supposed to believe that a higher power has brought me here, lovingly, to teach me something important, something that's going to help me. Not only am I supposed to have this faith, I know deep down that it's my only hope. The only way I'm going to get through what's coming next is to have faith that I'm going to be ok.

I am not so sure that I'm going to be ok, though, and I'm not having an easy time trusting that this is all for a reason, that it isn't some kind of vast, endless, meaningless mess. A vortex of nothing, despair and ennui and absolute discontent. I'm angry, oh I'm angry. I'm angry at every person who played a role in getting me to the place where I am. I'm angry at every fucking handmaid in this tragedy. I don't want to be the character that I am anymore. I want a trap door, a deus ex machina. I want out. I want peace. I'm so afraid.

I have a feeling that before the end of this day, I will quite literally be brought to my knees.



Art by Scorsone/Dreuding