Monday, May 5, 2008

Fate. Faith.

Today, I'm mad at my life. I'm mad at all the circumstances that brought me here and now. I know it's not how I'm supposed to do it. I'm supposed to be grateful. I'm supposed to believe that a higher power has brought me here, lovingly, to teach me something important, something that's going to help me. Not only am I supposed to have this faith, I know deep down that it's my only hope. The only way I'm going to get through what's coming next is to have faith that I'm going to be ok.

I am not so sure that I'm going to be ok, though, and I'm not having an easy time trusting that this is all for a reason, that it isn't some kind of vast, endless, meaningless mess. A vortex of nothing, despair and ennui and absolute discontent. I'm angry, oh I'm angry. I'm angry at every person who played a role in getting me to the place where I am. I'm angry at every fucking handmaid in this tragedy. I don't want to be the character that I am anymore. I want a trap door, a deus ex machina. I want out. I want peace. I'm so afraid.

I have a feeling that before the end of this day, I will quite literally be brought to my knees.

Art by Scorsone/Dreuding