Blues.

While I'm away,
dust out the demons inside...

There's a real strong chance that my husband and I will be facing some time apart, and it will quite possibly be more than a year.

I can't say much more yet. My stomach feels knotty, and my heart ragged. I am trying to enjoy the moments we have together now, but I'm so angry.

I had big plans for us. I had big plans for me. I feel my life screeching to a halt.

Perhaps it will be good to pause, to put the focus on nothing but me and healing my life. Perhaps I'll get myself cleaned out and he'll get himself cleaned out, and we'll have a fresh start. Perhaps I'll realize that it's impossible to live with someone who invites such chaos into my life. Either way, something will be happening. The time isn't wasted, and I'm growing, and that's good.

I'm Sleeping With Myself Tonight.

I was chatting with MPJ earlier about Elton John, and now I'm trapped in an Elton John nexus in my head. I love this song:

It's four o'clock in the morning
Damn it listen to me good
I'm sleeping with myself tonight
Saved in time, thank God my music's still alive.

It's particularly appealing to me because I've found so much strength in sleeping alone. When I find myself responding too much to my husband's situation, I go sleep in a spare room.

I used to follow him around. If he couldn't sleep and got up to watch television, I'd go sleep on the couch next to him with my head in his lap. I hated to be away from him. I still hate to be away from him, but sometimes he's not there. Sometimes, it's better just to be with me, to sleep with myself.

It's the way it's phrased in the song that's so special. It's not sleeping alone; it's sleeping with myself. There's enough of me to keep myself content.

I slept with myself last night. I got home from a long, long day of working all my various jobs, and there were all kinds of things wrong. He didn't even acknowledge me when I came in, didn't get up off the couch to let me in the door. He'd been home all day, and he'd wrecked the house and neglected to take care of our pets. It made me furious, but it's ok. I took a long bath, and I took myself to the spare room, and I slept with myself. And I'm ok. I'll deal with the mess when it's time to.

Thanks, Elton John, for giving me words to say what I was thinking!