God Of My Understanding.

Sometimes, when we fuck, I think about how you're my wife, and what we're doing is something that god made.

Tonight, I'm finishing up my homework for Step 3. Wait: tonight, I'm starting my homework for Step 3. I gotta figure out what god is, give my life to that person, place, or thing, and render some writing about it fit to show folks at tomorrow's meeting. And I'm a nerdy, vicious kind of codie, so I WILL have it done, and all of it, and done well. I'm crazy like that.

But in between trying to solve god, my lovely husband reminded me of the first place where I found an adult understanding of what god means to me. When I'm feeling close to someone, connected in a way that's bigger than each of us alone, I start to feel my heart opening a chink wider to something spiritual.

On the way to work this morning, we were talking about how we'd both had weird, restless dreams, and strangely, we'd both dreamed about the same people...really for no reason, as we'd not been talking or thinking about these people. And then tonight, he interrupts my struggle to wrestle god into submission with his lovely hands and neck and mouth, and he whispers beautiful things to me, reminding me that it isn't always so goddamned complicated. Or it is, it is entirely complicated, but also basic, simple, clear, and raw.

Sometimes, I can just look right in front of me, and I'll remember that god's there, god's here, god's everything and everyone and so ready to give me warmth and sweetness if I can just stop struggling long enough to see.

Healing Is Hard.

It's a cloudy, yucky day. I wish today was tomorrow. It would be a powerful day for sleeping.

I let myself down with my promises! I didn't do one drop of yoga this week, and I can tell. I did keep the promise between the doggy and me, though, every day except yesterday when the meeting made it dark before I got home. I am trying to remember that it's ok not to get it perfect.

Sigh.

I don't understand, though, why it's so hard to get it perfect. It is difficult to take care of myself. It should be the easiest, most natural thing in the world. It is getting better, easier...but it's still work, and it's still something I have to remember.

But it's the weekend! Tomorrow! We've got the 12 step writing workshop tomorrow, and that's fun. I've got a little bit more work to do in the book before the meeting. We're starting the steps now, so tomorrow's meeting will be all about Step 1.

We were just talking about detachment at the meeting last night. There's a newcomer, and she doesn't say much, but the two meetings we've been to, she says, "I want to know more about detachment!" I know how she feels. When I first started coming, I wanted to know all about detachment, too. I wanted there to be a store where I could just order a bottle of detachment. I read and read and read stuff about it, and I saw other people able to practice it, and it made so much sense and looked like it worked so well for all the folks who were able to work it. I just didn't think that I'd ever be that person, able to work it. I didn't think I'd be able to say "No," to separate myself from him, his messes and his feelings. I really felt like our situation was different, harder, more complicated...it's helpful having someone new come around so I can see how much I have grown. I don't even have to sob when I tell him "no" now...in fact, I seldom have to tell him "no," as he has learned not to ask me for dumb shit.

But in talking about detachment, we talked a little about Step 1. Nothing ever sounded so good to me as the language of that text after my first night at Nar-Anon. I was so glad, SO GLAD, to be able to admit that I was powerless over the addict. It gave me permission to let him go, permission I never would have been able to grant myself. As much as I believed that I could fix my husband, I also believed that I SHOULD take care of him, help him, fix him. I believed that it was my duty to love him sane and healthy. It was revolutionary for me to learn that it not only wasn't my responsibility, but it was actually going to hurt him in the long run if I kept cushioning his bottom.

So I'm a fan of Step 1. I'm interested to see how the session will go tomorrow.

There's an episode of Meerkat Manor we still haven't watched, and I think the new one comes on television tonight, so there will be a new one online tomorrow. That's a full 40 minutes of Meerkat fun. That's something to look forward to.

And look at this neat new thing! I'll only use it when I'm listening to something cool. I can't have you guys knowing about all the time I spend listening to Meatloaf and Elton John, although, I totally already told you about Bonnie Tyler, so...
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Now playing: Sinéad O'Connor - The Healing Room
via FoxyTunes