Friday, April 17, 2009


My husband announced to me tonight that he's not going to go back to anymore meetings.

No explanation, really, other than that he thinks it's not the right thing to do. He said he's been ritualistically attending meetings and not believing in what he's hearing there. I'm not sure what he means, and I'm not sure what I'm supposed to say. I think he expected me to fight with him, but I didn't. I didn't know what kind of response he was looking for, and I'm not sure how I'm feeling about his announcement.

We have developed a really nice Thursday night ritual over the last few months. We've been consistently going to the meeting together, and we've been committed to hanging out with each other after. We make dinner and watch television and talk, and it's been something pleasant and consistent, and just the kind of thing that I need to be able to begin to develop some trust. I am upset that he is deciding to stop going to meetings, which means that he's now in effect cutting all ties with any semblance of recovery, but honestly I'm more upset that our special evening is canceled.

I'm also frustrated that he gives me a really hard time about how little time I spend with him, but then he opts out of many of the opportunities we have to spend together. It seems like his idea of spending time together is for me to stay home with him so he can sleep in front of me, ignore me to watch television, or yell at me.

I am afraid that he is coming unglued. He spends his days in bed, and his outburst this weekend has rendered me somewhat speechless to express my feelings. I am afraid. I'm afraid in every way, and I don't like to be afraid.

I've started my 30 day prayer ritual again that I learned from my Al-Anon sponsor. Her suggestion is that I pray for 30 days before I make any big decision in my life so that I can be sure that my decision has roots in a sound spiritual place. Instead of running away from my relationship with my husband when it gets difficult, I am to pray about what God's will is for me in this relationship. My urge to flee is strong right now. I don't want to go backwards, but I know that if I cut and run right now, I'll regret it. I love this man very much, and if our relationship is going to have to end, I need it to end with some grace.

I am tired, though, of this roller coaster. I want the reigns back on my own life. I am tired of living at effect, and I want to begin to grow and move forward again. It's hard to do when I'm constantly sidetracked because of my obsession with my husband.

I love him. I want him to go away. I want him to stay always.