Monday, March 16, 2009

It Just Isn't Right.

Something isn't. I don't know what, but I know it's something. It's been helpful to me to record this little, niggling sensations, so I wanted to record this one.

My husband seems suspicious of me, and it makes me suspicious of him and edgy. I left town this weekend to visit family, and he asked me accusatory questions about my schedule. I told him when I'd leave town and when I'd get back, and it made him angry that my response hadn't been in more detail. I am just visiting family, so there isn't much of a schedule involved. We ate things. We hung out. We talked about stuff. We played with the children and ate some more.

Today, I began some counseling to help me deal with the sexual abuse in my childhood. It's a very big step for me, and it's something I'm proud of doing. What I hope most that will come of this counseling is to find a way to learn to trust myself. When I have feelings about my relationship not being quite right, I am often deeply distrustful of myself. I don't trust him, but I don't trust me, either. I don't trust myself to know when he's telling the truth or to know when he's lying. I hope to get some clarity.