Monday, January 26, 2009

Thinking about Him.

I'm feeling sad for my husband today. He's still in a really bad place, and I'm not sure why or what is going on. I wish I could help him or stop him, and I can't.

My guess is that he's feeling pretty upset with his inability to provide for himself. I also think he feels vulnerable by being so dependent on me. He has convinced himself that I mean him harm. He believes that because he's hurt me so deeply in the past that I must want to hurt him back. It's not true. I don't want to hurt him. I want him to get better. I want him to be happy, and I want to be happy with him. I want him to be happy and comfortable and safe beyond what is probably helpful to instinct is to protect him from every bump and bruise, even the ones he needs to experience to learn to stop repeating the same behaviors again and again.

We have marriage counseling tomorrow, and I'm glad. I want to talk to him about whatever is going on with him, but I am afraid. I am tired of being afraid, and I want to talk to him about being afraid. I think there's time for new boundaries, and I'm glad to have a third party to help us sort through it all.

I want to think about other things. I can't. I can't stop thinking about him.