We had a long, hard bout of marriage counseling today. I think we brought up some issues that are important to both of us, but I don't feel like much got resolved.
It is hard for me to understand what happens when my husband isn't able to hear me or see me. When he is present, he is so very present. When he is not, he's not. I've never had this experience before of being so thoroughly understood and so thoroughly misunderstood, and it really confuses me when he's not there. When I'm telling what's happening to me, and he's checked out and unresponsive, I get a little crazy. I don't want to accept the reality of who he is and where he is, and so I start grasping at straws.
I recognized today that I suspect he feels the same way...that he wishes there were a way to reach me. I'm sure there are times when he wants to find the part of me that loves him most and regards him as positively as possible, and it's just not available. I don't know how we can learn to call those parts of ourselves up when we need them, but I'm willing to try.