Tuesday, December 9, 2008


My husband is struggling today, and he needs it to be my fault. He was telling me how he's having a lot of using dreams, and that he'd been having cravings today that were hard to handle. I don't have an answer for him, as I'm not an addict. I can't be his sponsor, and he wants me to be able to give him the kind of feedback that a sponsor would. It creates a situation where no matter what I say or do, I'm going to be wrong. If I make suggestions, they will be wrong. If I don't, I'll be cold-hearted. I can't handle it.

We had our first day of marriage counseling today, and the counselor mentioned the hierarchy of needs, and how it's hard to work on our relationship when some of his basic needs are not being met. It's true.

I'm so afraid. He seemed to be doing so well for a little while, and he's still trying to do well. I am afraid that it will be too difficult and he will give up. Getting out of the hole he's dug for himself will not be easy, and he doesn't stick with things that aren't easy. I don't want to lose him, but I can't live with him using.

I don't want to live in a world where there isn't help for somebody like my husband. I know he's backed himself into this corner, but he's trying hard to get out of it, and everywhere he turns, there's a brick wall. He tried to talk to someone at N.A. last night to ask about sponsorship, and the guy told him he could continue coming to meetings, but that he should sit quietly until he's off methadone. He said he wouldn't be willing to sponsor him until he's off methadone, and he shouldn't work the steps until he's done detoxing. It will take at least 2 years for my husband to get off methadone. He won't last two more years without some kind of sponsorship.

Everything is like that for him...wherever he reaches out for help, he gets turned away. It's horrible to watch. He screws himself, but he gets screwed, too. He's not in a place to handle that kind of frustration well, so he takes it out on me. It's not fair, but I understand where it's coming from.

This situation feels so hopeless and scary. I want to help him, and I can't. I'm proud of him for trying to help himself, but there's not much hope for relief for him, and I'm afraid of what will happen if something doesn't give...if he doesn't find a way to make sure that he will be able to get his methadone regularly AND to find a sponsor or a homegroup that will help him deal with his issues, he's going to fall apart. He needs a job. He needs a sponsor. He's willing and ready for both, and there isn't one.