Friday, December 12, 2008

Detachment 102

My husband went to the new clinic today, and they told him that as long as he will participate in 2 of their group therapy sessions each week, they'll continue to dose him regardless of the amount of money he has. The director of the program said that they will let him know with plenty of advance notice if they are going to have to cut him off for any reason, and that they will work with him for as long as they can.

I'm really, really happy for him. It's like a window has opened in his life. I'm glad to find at least one person working in the substance abuse treatment field in our city who is interested in helping someone.

He is struggling, and I am struggling with how he is struggling. I'm in his business in all kinds of unhealthy ways. I'm thinking that I'm going to have to go back to the steps to learn how to deal with my husband when he's on a healthier path.

Apparently, I've graduated from God's course in Detaching from my Addict Husband 101, and God has signed me up for Detaching from my Recovering Husband: 102. Yay. I get to learn new hard things.

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed in every area of my life. I've been helping my husband out too much and succumbing to his every whim. He is weak and sick and needy, and I will stay home from my yoga classes to sit with him and make sure he's ok. I've expressed to him several times that I am not going to be able to fulfill his every need, but I do want to be here for him while he's in this transition.

I am so proud of him. I have never seen him stick to something for this long. He's been to a meeting every day since he got out of the hospital. It's not an eternity, but it's a major step for my husband. He has real struggles with following through on his commitments, and he's doing it this time. And just like when we were first married, I am letting my world shrink around him. I'm letting him be my best friend, my lover, my god, my source of entertainment and validation and humor and everything. My new struggle is how to continue growing and living my own life, even when he's doing well.

If I've learned anything about myself in this process, though, it's that I'm persistent in seeking out my truth. I have some character defects, but I also have some real strengths. I won't stop looking for my own peace, and I'll find my way.