Today has been a little better. I am feeling ok. A friend of mine from Nar-Anon has been struggling with her relationship, and we spent a lot of time together this evening. It was good to be able to get my mind off of you, us, me...
I think it's the first day in the longest time that I haven't fallen apart completely. I'm surprised. I still feel a deep, deep empty in the pit of myself, but I'm able to keep moving and overlooking it.
I am still talking about you, though, and thinking about you, and thinking about your problems as mine and my problems as yours, and our problems as the problems of a married couple. I'm not treating it as if we are moving toward becoming something different. I'm not feeling less married. Maybe it's too soon. You haven't even been gone a week.
I hosted a chat session at The Second Road tonight, and it was fun in a lot of ways, but in other ways, it was hard. I talked about you, and I talked about how things were before you came unglued. I am having trouble getting my mind out of that time. It was such good time.
More than anything in the world, more than anything ever, I want it back. I want you back, whole and healthy. I want the life we almost had.
That's the story of us, isn't it? The almost perfect, almost complete. It's infuriating, as I keep doing my part. I keep finishing the plan, but it doesn't work when it's only me. We make these stories for our shared future together, and I wish you'd find a way to make your part true, or achievable. I know it's not in your power when you're in your disease, though...you'd never say, "I'm going to be a heroin junky and be unemployed and parasitic and miserable for a couple of years!" Neither of us would have composed the story just this way...but I can't stop imagining the differences between what is and what could have been.
I miss you so much. I've been missing you for a long time now, though, and I know that having you back home won't bring You to me, the part of You that I recognized the first time I saw You, when it felt like the sun had finally come up in my life. You've got what's best in you all vaulted up, and no matter what I do, I can't get at that man. Even knowing it, though, I crave your physical presence. I want to see your face, smell you skin, taste you neck. My eyes are hungry and my hands hurt from being emptied of you.
I love you. I always will.