Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Trust and Step 3

"Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood God."

I'm working on step 3 again now, and it's different this time. There are things I couldn't quite talk about before, or think about, that I'm able to talk and think about really comfortably now.

I am able to acknowledge, for instance, that the sexual abuse in my life has given me a tremendous capacity to doubt my own ability to understand what is real. The only thing I remember distinctly about the incident is thinking immediately afterward, "It's not possible that what I'm remembering just happened. I must have been dreaming. It can't be real." I remember going through the day at school telling myself that what I was pretty sure had happened to me couldn't possibly have happened. No one who I trusted so much could possibly have violated me in the way that I felt like I'd been violated.

In the work for step three, there are a lot of questions about childhood--our childhood understanding of god, our childhood relationships with our parents, and the unresolved issues of our childhood that might interfere with our relationships with god. The sexual abuse kept coming up for me, and the ways that it taught me not to trust anyone, that nowhere is safe, and that I was alone in the world and responsible for taking care of myself.

I can't believe I've just written this much about this topic, this openly. I used to feel the words stick in my throat. Now look at all these words! It's words upon words!

It's kind of the same two speeches, tacked together and repeated again and again, individually and separately. I learned from being sexually abused not to trust myself or anyone else. I can say these things, and I can write them, and I can talk about them. It's a real breakthrough.

I am learning, too, that I can trust in certain truths. I can trust in my own perception of the world, and I can distinguish what is and is not real...what does and does not serve. I can sort through where I end and where my husband, or anyone else who might be intersecting with my life, begins. I can trust in the sane voice, the quiet and sane voice, that speaks up behind all the crazy that I hear all the time.

I have also found the words to describe my higher power, and I see that everything I've ever wanted or needed, I already have. I am sitting, swamped, in the middle of the river of my god, and I'm drowning in love, acceptance, peace, and safety. No matter where I am or what is happening to me, I'm always being carried along this current. When I can remember to stay in touch with this flow, my live goes so much more smoothly.