Friday, October 3, 2008


I want my husband to stop hurting.

I was working today, and he kept putting his foot under my hand and whining about how much it hurts him. He asked me to stop working long enough to rub his foot. I told him, "No." He insisted. I kept saying no. Finally, I told him I'd rub his foot if he'd do something about the pile of dishes that's accumulating in the sink. He said he would before we went to bed tonight. I rubbed his foot for a bit, and then got back to work. A few hours later, he went to bed, leaving the pile of dishes stacked up in the sink.

I'm almost positive that he's still smoking weed in the house. I'm too tired to go looking for it, and I figure I'll find it when it's time for me to find it. I'm going to make him leave when it gets clearer. I can't do this anymore with him.

I love him. He's hurt, and his psychic pain manifests itself in foot cramps and back spasms and hot flashes and all kinds of madness that makes him needy and clingy and difficult to be around. It's hard to watch him suffer, and I wish it would stop. I wish he'd take the steps to stop it. He's not going to. I'm going to have to ask him to go away again, and I don't want to. I also don't have it in me to repeat the same lunacy again and again.

It's been a long week.