Sunday, October 26, 2008

Aren't You Clever?

I took my husband out to dinner and a movie tonight to celebrate a special anniversary. We had a decent time, and I was feeling pretty good about him and our prospects of being able to get to the other side of this crap, maybe, possibly. Maybe I'm just sick, though, and my head has been all foggy with the medicine I'm taking. I don't know.

So we were a little early to the movie, and he said, "I need to go use the restroom before we go in to the theater," but he didn't go. I wondered what he was planting a little seedling of a lie about, as he had that lie voice. Those of you who are in relationships with addicts, I am sure, are familiar with the lie voice. It's just an octave above or below the normal voice. It's not too different, but it's not quite right, either. I ignored him, though, as I was having a nice time, and I didn't want it to get messed up.

Later, he asked me if I'd moved some Ibuprofen he'd put in a pocket in my car. I'd not moved it, and I picked up on the hint of a lie in his voice again. A few minutes later, he asked for the car keys so that he could go look for the headache medicine. I gave them to him, with some hesitation, but again--I was having a nice time. I didn't want to mess it up.

He came back into the theater about 10 minutes later, and he smelled like a 14 year old hippy...all marijuana. He sighed, and all I could smell was joint.

I am so fucking mad that I kind of want to strangle him in his sleep tonight. I won't, but I will want to. I am less mad about the childish, addicty sneaking around than I am about planting little lie seedlings.

I want him to go away. He managed to give me, for the first time EVER, the amount of money that we've agreed would be fair for him to pay each week as his part of the bills. I was happy that he'd made this big step forward...but so much else is still the same that I'm not sure it matters anymore.