In this second go-round with the Steps, I've had something of a discovery of my understanding of what this lesson with addiction might be teaching me.
So I have this Higher Power, and I've been learning to turn my fear, my distrust, and my pain over to this Higher Power. In exchange, I have found some new space within myself for peace. I have found comfort in being alone and the sure sense that no matter what happens to my marriage or to my husband, I am going to be ok. Through this sense of peace, I have found a portal to get away from pain. If I truly get centered in myself...truly let go of all my desires for things, for my husband, for my marriage to follow the path I'd set out on initially...I can avoid much of the gut-wrenching pain that has consumed my life. I find contentment, quiet, stillness...
The catch, however, is that I also give up my bliss. I give up the moments of ecstasy for a lifetime of satisfaction and contentment. I give up the passion that leaves me speechless, the love that makes me breathless. I exchange a couple of tiny, impossibly beautiful diamonds for a lifetime of wheat.
I'm not there yet. I still want my bright and shiny. I'm not ready to give up my highs to get away from my lows. I want an in-between, and I'm coming to believe that it isn't possible...I can have peace with no pain or passion with pain.
