Sunday, June 22, 2008

Love And Monstrosity.

"To attempt the destruction of our passions is the height of folly. What a noble aim is that of the zealot who tortures himself like a madman in order to desire nothing, love nothing, feel nothing, and who, if he succeeded, would end up a complete monster!"

He came and got back in the bed with me after rising at his ungodly methadone hour, buried his face in my hair and breathed deep. He put his arms around me, and we dozed together. I won't end a marriage that feels so good, so good when it's good. I'm not up to it. Not yet.

And it's bad when it's's scary, terrible, badly bad when it's bad.

What has passed between me and my husband has always been tinged with monstrosity, as passion often is. It's red and raw, war-colored, and the edge of danger has fascinated me from the beginning. It continues to fascinate me. I'm not done yet.