I forgot to mention that what is even harder than struggling on my own with our present situation is watching my husband struggle. As afraid as I am for myself, I am more afraid for him. I have better tools for handling this kind of distress than he does, and it hurts me to watch him navigating this dangerous territory.
He has these moments of clarity, and then he descends into fear and confusion. Sometimes, I feel like we've had these little breaks where we are able to come up for air, to be able to see each other, truly, to communicated in a real way, for the first time in a long time. There have been little diamonds being formed in this pressure, and I'm grateful for them...
But I hate watching him hurt. I want him to be safe and sane and whole, and I don't know if he ever will be.
I spoke with my sponsor about what is going on a few days ago, and she reminded me of something that I need to remind myself of right now. My husband is a survivor. He has experienced some difficult, frightening things in his life already, and he's come out on the other side of it. He has made huge messes of his life before, and he always lands on his feet. I have to remember that he has some inner resources, and that he will be ok.
Art by Mall