Wednesday, February 13, 2008

I'm Not As Strong As I Think I Am.

We are at home together again. He's making all kinds of promises and screwing them up. I am really, really struggling with myself.

I can't continue to live this way, and yet I refuse to believe that it isn't possible that we can be together. I can't stop hearing him when he's saying that he knows he has to change, that he has to get himself better, and knowing that it's true.

It IS true. The man who I fell in love with is living in this addict's body. He's buried deep inside his own sickness, but he wants to get better. I can't give up on that man yet.

Folks tell me that letting my husband go isn't giving up on him...but I'm just not there. I'm doing the best I can, day by day, and I thought I was ready. I'm not ready. I'm afraid for him, and I'm afraid for myself. I am living with behavior that isn't acceptable and experiencing pain that isn't rightly my own, but I can't stop. I'm as out of control as he is in so many ways.