You're a part time lover and a full time friend
The monkey on you're back is the latest trend
I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else
I heard this song in an interview with the girl from Juno this weekend in all the Oscar hoopla, and I fell in love with it. You can watch them singing below. It's a good song.
It's peaceful at my house, the way it always is when my husband is picking up the pieces after a big relapse. The latest one was extraordinarily big and destructive. He's been quite sick and quite earnest about wanting to get better, as he always is after a relapse. He seems a little more inclined to do things this time than he has been in the past...but it's really hard to say what's real anymore.
I love him, so I want to see the best in him. I want him to want to get better as much as I want him to want to get better. I want him to remember himself.
We spent much of the weekend alone. He did the junky-purging thing that he does after a big relapse where he tells me things I'd probably be better off not knowing...for instance, he revealed to me that he's been using with his mother. I knew they'd had a history of getting high together, but I never even considered the possibility that she would be doing heroin. I'm pissed in so many ways...pissed at myself that I didn't consider that she'd go to that place. I should know...she's an addict. Whatever you think isn't possible for the addicts you love to do, that's probably what they're doing. I'm pissed at her for presenting herself to me as concerned about him, as concerned about me, as upset with him for spending money that could be going to support our household on heroin...especially when she'd sit there next to him, shooting up our bill money. I'm pissed at him for keeping it secret. The whole situation has the quality of an affair...and a creepy affair that he's been having with his mother.
They are both very sick. He's avoiding talking to her. I hope he wants to avoid talking to her for the next twenty years. I think I'll need that long to process it all.
In spite of all the turmoil boiling underneath the surface, however, it was a pleasant weekend. I love him most when he wants to get better. I hope it sticks this time.