Sunday, January 27, 2008

I Don't Want To.

The pose pictured here, ardha chadrasana, or "half-moon pose," is the worst yoga pose ever in the history of yoga. It makes vomit and bile and rage rise up in my throat, and it makes my ankle shake and I hold my breath and I start thinking that doing yoga isn't that great and maybe I'll never come back to another class ever again, and I think that my teacher doesn't know anything and I hate the Yoga Sutra, every yogi who ever lived, and the entire country of India, in fact the entire Eastern hemisphere for developing a tradition that would make my ankles shake and my stomach boil and my breath totally disappear in such a wretched, horrible, impossible way.

I was explaining to a yoga teacher about how very much I hate this posture and trying to find out if I might be allergic to it and be able to sit out on it forever forward, and she pointed out that the poses we hate most to do are generally the ones we need most.

Sigh.

So now I keep finding myself reaching for the (fucking) floor and trying to open my (fucking) heart to the (fucking) ceiling while shaking on my (fucking) standing ankle and trying to lift my (fucking) other leg higher and higher. Because this (fucking) pose is unloosing something in me that I'm holding on to, or strengthening some part of me that is weak, or opening some choke hold that is keeping me from growing.

Similarly, I find myself on the verge of beginning Step 8. I've been looking at Step 8 out of the side of my face from the first time I came to Nar-Anon.

Fuck Step 8, yo.

I think I'm allergic. I don't have anybody to make amends with. I'm perfect and I've never wronged anyone! I'll just sit out while my step group does Step 8. I'll watch from the sidelines, towel myself off, and drink water. Maybe I could go back and work on step 4 some more? I'll be powerless! I'll list character defects! I'll do push-ups! Hell, I'll stand in my shaky ardha chadrasana, but please don't make me have to make amends with folks!

It's awful, too, because after Step 8 is done, then there's Step 9! I'm pretty sure that everyone I might have injured (which is no one, obviously, if you read the paragraph above) would fall into the category of "except when to do so would injure them or others," so again, when my group moves on to Step 9, I'll just stand on the side and towel myself off and drink water. I've got some appointments that day or something.

12 comments:

Anybeth said...

I know that pose. It's AGONY!
shaky knee, painful hips, back aching, gonna' fall down, breathe, breathe, I'm dying please don't make me do this anymore, agony.

I'll stop there because I know nothing about step 8.

serenitynowdammit said...

Remember that you're at the top of the list. We harm ourselves first and foremost. Concentrate on that part for now. The rest will follow.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Maybe we can trade. I will do your half moon and you can do my staff pose. Because I'm pretty sure I don't have anything to work on there. And we can do each other's amends -- ahem, no that we have any or anything...

Tigermom said...

Take your time TJW. Do half moon and step 8 at your own pace.

bottlecappie said...

I hated half-moon too. Once, though, something happened in that pose and I felt like a tree rooted to the ground and my heart was flying. I thought: I've got it! I understand this pose now!

That hasn't happened since though.

Step 8 looks scary. Actually, all of the steps look scary.

Chloe said...

I think your step group should have to do the half moon pose at the beginning of the meeting.

vicariousrising said...

This post made me laugh out loud.

JUST ANOTHER ADDICT said...

See me before class.

~Babz~ said...

"Clarity." Life is what it is. We love, we learn, too much it burns.

I'm a senseless hopeless addict. Don't stop loving but you must never show weakness. No, we will give you a run for your money, every frigin cent. Never give us or cut us any slack because we'll rip the rope outa your hand, even if we don't realize we're doing it. But tough love survives. Your kinda love will survive, if you are acutely aware that it has to be tough love or nothing. We are too passionate for the pansy ass love, no, it's gotta be this or nothing.

Wayward Son said...

You need to finish the steps so you can take this show on the road. Great shares are telling it like it is in a funny way that keeps em (me) coming back.

sKILLz said...

You have to remember to take your time and not rush into anything. It will all come in due time.
Hoping all is well with you and yours!

elf_fu said...

I haven't stopped reading--but for some reason, my brains have fallen out and I can't figure out how to comment unless there are comments to your posts already.

So. Just a note. Just a word. Just a hello. Just a prayer or two.