Sunday, December 30, 2007

Gut Feeling.

My guts aren't feeling so good today. My husband has been moody, evasive, withdrawn, and spent a long, long time in the bathroom last night.

I'm torn. I am not sure about what I want to do. Today, I'm doing nothing. Or I'm doing nothing in the sense that I'm not making decisions. I can't. Not today. It's too cold outside.

I also know that I can't live with a man in active addiction. I can't live in denial. I can't think very clearly.

What bothers me most, I think, is that I'm not comfortable talking to him about my feelings. I think that's the worst sign that he might be using. If he were recovering, I'd be able to say, "Hey, babe, when you spend 3 hours in the bathroom, it gets me all kinds of worked up," and his response would be something to the effect of, "Oh, I'm sorry you felt upset. It's ok, though, I'm taking care of myself, and you take care of yourself." Even if he were lying...even if he'd been in the bathroom shoving heroin in himself by the fistfuls, I could live with that response.

That response is not the response I'd get. Best case scenario, he'd sulk. Most likely, he'd scream at me, "I CAN'T EVEN HAVE SOME TIME IN THE BATHROOM ALONE WITHOUT YOU GIVING ME SHIT! IT'S SO FUCKED UP!" and etc.

Today, I'm not going to think about any of this stuff. I'm going to write it down here, and let it go. I'm going to do a little work, maybe do a little laundry, and go to a yoga class later on. I'm going to look out for myself and figure the rest out later.