Friday, December 7, 2007

Entirely Ready, or, Festering Resentment Syndrome.

I skipped my meeting last night, and that was a foolish thing for me to do. I skipped it because I am tired. I am tired because I am suffering from festering resentment syndrome. Going to a meeting might have helped me to process my festering resentments.

Festering resentment syndrome is an ailment common amongst the wives of junkies. During the days, I'm happier than I've been in a long time. We wake up together, go to the clinic, stop to get coffee, and I drive him to work. I enjoy our early mornings...we make sure to get up with plenty of time to talk and laugh and hold each other before we get out of bed, and I like our long car ride with lots of time to talk. I go to work and enjoy my job, and he is working now, too. It's still not perfect...he's contributing nothing near his share yet. But, he's contributing. He's paying for his own treatment. He's engaged in the business of living again, engaging with me. It's progress.

We get home from working and cook together, play with our dogs, go to meetings if it's meeting night and watch a movie or television if it's not. We talk, a lot, and we talk a lot about Stuff, like the big Stuff that we need to talk about if we're going to make it to the other side of this crisis. Things are going in the right direction.

I am growing, too. I'm not harboring resentments the way I used to. I'm working on the things I need to work on to be able to let them go...or at least I think I am. Little things don't bother me like they used to, at least not until I lie down at night.

It's almost as if there's some resentment convection oven inside of me. I stuff and stuff all the resentments I think I'm letting go of deep inside it, and then, late at! The timer goes off. My resentments are ready!

Night before last, for instance, the resentment that woke me up at 2:30 in the morning was about a stolen camera. It wasn't an important camera. I never used it. It was an old film camera I'd had years ago, and he'd pawned it. I hadn't even missed the damn thing...he told me he stole it and pawned it in another of his great confessional moments. I don't care about the damn camera....or at least I don't think I care. But shit, at 2:30 a.m. last Wednesday night, I woke up absolutely enraged over the damned camera. Enraged. Crying. I had to get out of bed and go sit in the bathroom and sob and punch the wall.

Last night, it was an elaborate lie he told me last February. He was repairing a part of our sunroom, and I had paid for some of the parts. His repairing it himself was meant to save us money, but man, he'd sure needed to borrow and borrow and borrow and buy and buy and buy, and from what I could see, nothing was progressing on the project. It was before I'd found his needles, and so it was before I knew exactly what was going on with the money; however, I knew something wasn't right, and I told him I wasn't going to give him any more money. He freaked, and he called me at work, petulant and angry, reading off a long list of items that he HAD to buy to be able to FINISH the project, and didn't I WANT to have nice windows in our SUNROOM? Didn't I want to improve the VALUE of the HOUSE? He railed and railed at me so much that I figured I must have been being crazy. Surely, I had to have been behaving in some kind of crazy-ass way for him to get so upset at me. Surely, there must be some explanation for why our $200 project had turned into a $500 one, and there must be some reason why he needed another $100 to be able to finish it properly. Surely, I was being unfair.

I woke up last night, reliving every minute of it...angry with him for lying, and not just for lying, but for that crazy-making kind of lie that makes me doubt my own sanity. I woke up angry at myself for ever doubting my own sanity and my own management of my own goddamned money for even one fucking second.

I thought I was over it. He was using. I was in denial. It was before Nar-Anon. We're growing. Things are better now. I know what was going on. I know what is going on.

But apparently, I'm not over it. I'm not done with hurt and anger. I can keep myself away from it in the sunlight, in our sweet mornings together and in our sweet nights before the lights go out, but when they's like these goblin resentments just drip from the walls, just rip from my insides and pour in from the outsides. I lie in the dark, enraged, frustrated, sad...counting resentments like sheep.

Oh, I want it gone. I want this stuff to be over. A friend of mine was struggling with the "entirely ready" language of Step 6...but boy, I'm not. I am absolutely, entirely ready to let this shit go. I am entirely ready for a full night's sleep. I am entirely ready to find the right path for healing myself from all this shit, for letting it all go. I love my husband. He's a good man, and he's doing the best he can right now to become a better man. I am ready.


The Discovering Alcoholic said...

Festering. How apropos for anything addiction related. Hammer meet nail.

bottlecappie said...

It must be so hard, to feel that violation of trust over and over again as memories come into consciousness. So much loss, so much grieving to do, and it hurts and hurts. No wonder you're mad.

I admire your desire to let go. And the depth of your love for your husband. I've been reading your blog every day because your stories make me believe that there is the possibility of redemption, and that love really is the greatest power.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

The process of getting clean and sober is like shaping and polishing a diamond. Each feeling, emotion and resentment, each fear, anger and sadness, will rise again and again, to the jewelers wheel.

The good thing is about the gem is once a cut is made, you can't go back. Each time a resentment rises, it goes to the cutters wheel, and we experience it from a different direction or perspective. And the pain lessens as the cuts are made to your diamond...

Each time we feel something, we give it less and less energy to affect us. Hence, we are working through each feeling as it rises again and again, until at some point when it rises it does not trigger such an outburst as you explain. [so maybe you will spend less time in the bathroom, punching the wall!]

Sobriety is a process, and you seem to be on track. Nobody promised you a Rose Garden, so like a good boy scout you should [always be prepared] I am sure he's got some zingers left in him yet! So make that little list each night of what is IN your HEAD BEFORE BED...

Make your gratitude list Every night and PRAY. You never mention prayer, that helps too...

Don't take shit to bed and if it wakes you up, write it down and get rid of it and get some sleep. You can't do anything with a resentment in the middle of the night now can you?

Stay in your day and Do your best. and remember This Too Shall Pass...

The Preacher Jeremiah

woman.anonymous7 said...

Getting past the lies is the hardest part.

So husband has paid for and fucked at least 28 prostitutes over the last 4 years. And when I say paid for I mean $200 - $500 of OUR money each time. My latte budget doesn't compare. My salon budget doesnt' even compare. Whatever.

It's the lies that keep me up at night. The lies that plague me when he says "I love you." Lies are hard to process. They fuck with your life and with your world view. How is it that the person you love and trust the most can lie to you? How is that possible? I receive better treatment from strangers.

It's those stolen cameras that keep us up at night. I have no answers right now...not even any profound thoughts. Just the same questions you have I think.

Ingrid said...

I will tell you how I see it, from the outside and far from any 12 step approach. Don't let people label what you are feeling into a syndrome. There is no mistery. You are angry, very angry, and justifiably at that if I may add.

There is no way you can hear about all the lies, deceit and betrayal, and just take it at face value and move on. You are trying to be reasonable and supportive, and in doing so you are burying your emotions, which end up coming out when you are with your guard down.

You need to acknowledge and allow yourself to feel the normal emotions that any person would feel in a situation like that, or you will never move on.

Chloe said...

It will get better with time, trust me on this. I never so much had a problem with projecting or having expectations as some do, i had huge struggles with looking back and kind of getting caught up in what had happened in the past. The past is where it needs to be.
Never get angry at yourself. We all did the best we could do at the time and alot was to be learned... little did we know!
You will work your way through the hurt and anger just like G will work his way through the guilt & shame.
I have it written down is some of my scribbles from meetings "Look back, but do not stare."
Your alarm clock will eventually stop going off, it just takes time.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I hate those festering resentments popping out of the oven at 2am. The hurt of those lies really lingers. Thanks for giving me the language to describe some of my own restless nights.

Crow_mtt said...

You're an amazing person.


Hi JW, I have been enjoying your writings for sometime now, and always appreciate the "other" side of addiction.

Reading your anger, hurt and frustration allows me to see your point of view without having to hear it from my significant other.....

And how you work thru those feelings is something you should be proud of!!

You are a strong and courageous woman and I commend your willingness to see this relationship through, regardless of the outcome.

Maybe your husband could also write all this stuff down, take it to a sponsor/meeting instead of "sharing" his new-found honesty with you. Perhaps you are not ready to hear it ALL just yet.....?

I know, for me, when I began recovery, I was on that "PINK CLOUD" they so often mention in meetings. I felt (after withdrawals of course), for the first time, good about myself. Therefore, I thought that others would feel good about me also. That is not always the case. That is why when we make our ammends to those we have harmed, we are careful not to unnecessarily hurt them in the process. That is why we have a sponsor and a fifth step....



Wayward Son said...

Even though you sometimes write about the hard part of your life, you always seem aware and focused these days on the good parts as well. That is the only advice I would want to impart so there seems little to comment on other than reinforcing what you already know. It seems that you and G are doing the best you can and, truly, that is quite good. In fact, it is a miracle and cause for much joy.

My recent post with "love" quotes was from our Aquarian horoscope at Free Will Astrology (my fav, very astutely written horoscope). I thought of you when I read them, especially the one from Erica Jong. Ms. Jong isn't exactly known for her optimism so it was kind of surprising to see this quote from her. It seemed so dead on, however, in it's message of how love is really, really worth it. It also seemed totally directed at you my fellow Aquarian.

Keep doing what your doing. It's hard at times, I know. But it seems to be working too, yes?