Wednesday, December 5, 2007


The theme for this week is confession and its purgative qualities.

This past weekend, my step group finally finished our fifth step together. It was one of the most powerful experiences I've had with this whole adventure in recovery. Hearing everyone's stories, seeing how much everyone has grown, and coming to know this wonderful group of women more fully was as much a fulfilling part of the experience as spilling my own guts.

The process really is magic. Figuring out what my issues are and how they've affected my life and kept me from growing in the ways I want to grow...kept me from finding real fulfillment...that's something I've sought my whole life, and working the steps is bringing me closer. Finding the stumbling blocks is the first part of getting them out of my way.

I know the way we're working the steps is unusual, doing it in a group, but it's been really powerful for me, and especially now that we're getting to know each other more. While I know that the one-on-one work with a sponsor can give you a different kind of insight, getting to know these women better and fostering each other through the process has been this wonderful gift. We wouldn't have been likely to get to know each other without being in this group together, but I'm so, so glad we've had the chance to go through the steps together.

When they were setting up the step study group, it just happened to work out that the only folks who attended and stuck with it were women in relationships with addicts. It's worked out beautifully to make it seem like we're all supposed to be there, together, figuring this stuff out with each other. It makes me want to get all weepy, like a girl or something.

So, who am I to deny the power of a good confession? I've already seen the way getting my stuff out helped me, right?

After he got home from the clinic this morning, he told me he'd stolen my check card one time and taken $40. I'd never noticed. I felt a small flame of fury that I've been tending to keep in check flare up, briefly, but then it was ok. Or it wasn't ok...that behavior is unacceptable, and it has happened again and again, and it has changed our relationship inexorably; however, I understand that he was sick. He stole from me because he was sick. It was a nasty side effect of his sickness, and he's sorry. Talking about it helps him.

We talked for a long time (at ass-thirty this unfortunate side effect of his MMT clinic's hours) about his guilt for some of the things that he did, the things that he put us both through, the work that it's going to take to rebuild it. He's so hopeful, so proud of himself for making good decisions, working on himself and on becoming a better person every day.

I'm proud of him, too. I'm also terrified at how easily it could all fall apart.


Rae said...

I love it ... ass-thirty. Thanks for the smile.

I'm so glad to read about how good your step group work went. I wish I could find a group to work the 4th step with. Sometimes it feels like a committee of all the voices in my head. But my sponsor is good to work with and she endures the fact that I'm working on this fourth step from the angle of several different addictions.

What you wrote in the end about how easily it could all fall apart ... that scares me too, for myself, for my life. I'm at the stage that I really realize that addiction is a killer.

Sorry for talking about my stuff ... thanks for sharing yours. It helps.

Chloe said...

Your last sentence says it all for me.
Before this came into my life, I took alot of things for granted. Not in a selfish kind of way, just in the way that that's way things were supposed to be.
It scares me too how easily it could all fall apart as well, but I have a good feeling, both of us having been what we've been through, & our husbands having been what they've been through and how much has been learned by all, that you need not be terrified.
Take a deep breath & just enjoy things for what they are.

bella said...

I've always loved a good confession. There is a time and place for spilling our guts and the lady scanning my groceries is neither.
But to be honest and own our lives? This is what allows for every day to be a new begining.

Recovery Discovery said...

Magic, it is!!! I'm so grateful for the process that sharing this journey is evolving into. It makes it easier for me to trust that whatever happens, I'll be ok. I KNOW you will.

Mantramine said...

I love it when my junky back tracks and tells me all the bad stuff he did, and ways he tricked me. And then, I laugh as I catch myself storing it in my head for 'next time' cause I will catch him faster, I will do better!

sigh. shut up.

Wayward Son said...

I am so happy you are doing well. However, I am not the least bit surprised though I am as happy as if I were.

I am going to quote mamampj in regards to any feelings of fear you might be harboring. I found what she wrote not only to be wise advice but also practical advice—so practical, it bears repeating over and over and over.

"Fear lives in the future. I realized one day that I'm not ever afraid of anything that is happening in the present moment, even if the present moment involves a giant alien bug attacking me. I'm afraid of what's going to happen, a year from now, a day from now, a moment from now, when the giant alien bug starts nibbling my head instead of my toes. I'm afraid that something worse than what is happening now will happen. But if I'm fully present in the now, there's nothing to be afraid of. And when I reach the next moment, and the next, fear will still be someplace ahead of me, as mythical and perpetually unreachable as the gold at the end of the rainbow."

Is this genius or what?


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

It sounds like such a powerful experience you really make me want to work the steps. Even though I'm not codependent, shut up!


Just remember, God has not carried you this far to drop you on your ass now!

If it happens that he does use again, you will handle it, because you are strong enough to handle it. Because you have the power and support of those who have travelled this road before you.

God bless.......


Ask Aunt B said...

I'm quite sure it took all of him to confess to you. I know that feeling as I recently fell from grace, myself. I had 9 years of clean time and fell on my face, painfully. All we can do is try to rise above it, believe that we let go of our Higher Powers hand and walked away. He didn't let go, I did. I must remember to hold on for dear life. Yes, it is a matter of life or death, at least for me. There...another painful confession.

Hope you are well, remember above all, you have the right to happiness and stand your ground.


sKILLz said...

I'm sure he didnt want to tell you about the money he took and it was eating at him as well.
I know you felt hurt and glad at the same time but I guess its a good thing as well.
I mean fuck he shouldnt have fucking stole it to begin with.
Im glad that things are working out for you both and I hope they continue to stay that way.
You and your man deserve happy times, enjoy!

mysonsmom1996 said...

can someone shorthand this for me? i check in periodically to see that she is working through her situation...but i can't find out where she describes why. while i can't relate to an heroin addict, i was (unwittingly) married to a person with anti-social personality disorder and when i found out about his real past (i guess you could say a money junkie in the felonious degree), it was game over. what gives?

msb said...

I think he should save that kind of shit for his sponsor, not you. Its like he's rubbing your nose in hove slick he is. I'm sorry, I just hate when dope fiends continue to get their needs met at someone elses expense. You know, "when to do so would injure them or others."