I'm interested in weighing things lately, or maybe not weighing things. Not actual things...more like ideas and situations...kind of keeping a running risk-benefit analysis going at all times. I'm not sure if it's healthy. I'm not sure if it's better to keep tabs on what's going on than to risk sliding into complacency, or worse, denial.
Most basically, I ask myself, "Does it hurt more to stay or to leave?" And for a while, this constant, vigilant examination of my position made sense. For a while, it was touchy over whether or not I was hurting more in the relationship or out of it.
It's clearer now. Every night, he builds a fire. He's working, our home is warm and safe. He feels better and looks better. I feel better and look better. Things are better...but I still have one eye on the door. Always.
I'm not allowing myself to enjoy this good time. It's a simple thing...we're having good days. We're happy. I should let it go and be happy.
Letting go scares the shit out of me. I've learned that it's the answer, that it's the only way to find peace, but I keep taking the reigns back over my own life even though I know I steer recklessly. Instead of trusting in the direction my life is going, I'm looking for some sign, building up my fortress, as if I can stop any future pain from coming.
And it's dumb because I know I can't stop it. I can't predict it. I'm always blindsided when the next crisis emerges...it's never what I expect, and all my dumb preparations are just dumb. Lifeless, silent, dumb, ridiculous waste of precious moments. Good moments.
We showered together last night and washed each other's hair. He closed his eyes while I rubbed the shampoo into his scalp, relaxing into me, enjoying the warmth and the touching and the clean shampoo smell...I kept my eyes open, watching him. Watching his breaths rise and fall. Watching my wallet in my pants pocket. Watching his arms, his ankles, his eyes, for signs of using, as if it would make one bit of difference if I saw something. And so I rob myself. Only half of me is present in the moment. The other half is resenting the past and dreading the future. Calculating, planning, hedging my bets. I guess it's better than when I was completely absorbed in fear and regret...but it's not where I want to be. I want to let go.