Thursday, November 29, 2007

Letting go.

I'm interested in weighing things lately, or maybe not weighing things. Not actual things...more like ideas and situations...kind of keeping a running risk-benefit analysis going at all times. I'm not sure if it's healthy. I'm not sure if it's better to keep tabs on what's going on than to risk sliding into complacency, or worse, denial.

Most basically, I ask myself, "Does it hurt more to stay or to leave?" And for a while, this constant, vigilant examination of my position made sense. For a while, it was touchy over whether or not I was hurting more in the relationship or out of it.

It's clearer now. Every night, he builds a fire. He's working, our home is warm and safe. He feels better and looks better. I feel better and look better. Things are better...but I still have one eye on the door. Always.

I'm not allowing myself to enjoy this good time. It's a simple thing...we're having good days. We're happy. I should let it go and be happy.

Letting go scares the shit out of me. I've learned that it's the answer, that it's the only way to find peace, but I keep taking the reigns back over my own life even though I know I steer recklessly. Instead of trusting in the direction my life is going, I'm looking for some sign, building up my fortress, as if I can stop any future pain from coming.

And it's dumb because I know I can't stop it. I can't predict it. I'm always blindsided when the next crisis's never what I expect, and all my dumb preparations are just dumb. Lifeless, silent, dumb, ridiculous waste of precious moments. Good moments.

We showered together last night and washed each other's hair. He closed his eyes while I rubbed the shampoo into his scalp, relaxing into me, enjoying the warmth and the touching and the clean shampoo smell...I kept my eyes open, watching him. Watching his breaths rise and fall. Watching my wallet in my pants pocket. Watching his arms, his ankles, his eyes, for signs of using, as if it would make one bit of difference if I saw something. And so I rob myself. Only half of me is present in the moment. The other half is resenting the past and dreading the future. Calculating, planning, hedging my bets. I guess it's better than when I was completely absorbed in fear and regret...but it's not where I want to be. I want to let go.


CindyB1 said...

I understand what you say and feel so much. Not for the same reasons but still the same feelings. Feelings of self protection. Trying to prevent someone from hurting me I am missing the moment the now. I hope that one day I won't feel this way. I hope the same for you.

Rae said...

Letting go feels so unsafe doesn't it? I have grown up trying to keep myself safe and feel so scared to let go of even the smallest thing, much less the big things. I relate to your share very much.

I am having a lot of luck though doing some work on my fourth step and writing down my resentments and how they affect me -- helping me to sort out what is theirs, what is mine and what is God's.

elf_fu said...

This isn't just words for dealing with secluded pain; but for everyone. For life in general.

This is where I find you most beautiful in these words that stretch and tear you apart, but you're laid bare and brave. These are very good words.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

When I met my then husband he was getting clean and sober. And I chose to [stay]. When he was diagnosed with bi-polar and embarked on a 10 month odyssey of treatment, I chose to [stay] we got married during his pain, and I chose to [stay] ...

You never know what God is going to throw at you, but if things are getting better as time goes on you have two choices to [stay] or to [go].

You can choose to support his getting clean or you can stare at the door and wish to go.

IN THE END marriage is about a choice, to [stay] or to [go]. You made a commitment for better for worse, in sickness and in health. I have lived with AIDS for 15 years, and my husband chose to [stay] and we are good.

Letting Go is a process that takes time, prayer and commitment to God and listening to him when he speaks to you.

If you are staring at the door, you are not fully present to HIM in both cases are you? To man and to God.

Make your choice and stop complaining that you want to leave. If you want out then get out and stop vacillating make your choice and stick to that choice...

You made a promise as a wife, and if hes not abusing you or hurting you or him, and hes getting better don't you want to be there when he comes out the other end?

Your wry humor is funny and your words are sharp and painful. I am glad I am not HIM or YOU. At least I have six years experience to offer you to slap you and say MAKE a damned choice - marriage vows are VOWS and you CHOSE to repeat those vows now step up and be a wife and support him, and take care of you.

Sometimes it hurts to be human and if you run from ugliness and pain you will not grow yourself will you?

Pray God you never see that kind of pain that makes you quake in your shoes.


The Preacher Jeremiah


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I had this moment this weekend like that -- we were at the park with the kids and I looked at my husband playing with the kids and was hit by this wave of love -- and then immediately with the thought that he wasn't what he appeared -- that maybe he was having an affair.

And I realized I had that I was trying to keep myself safe, trying not to feel the love because he might, probably would, hurt me again. So, I tried to let go and just love him.

Mantramine said...

I know that moment. Just tonight he was talking to me and I was looking at his eyes, and eyeing up his pimples- how many are there? How are grouped?

But, I don't think that I feel that I care as much- I just can't stop looking... and sniffing after him in the bathroom.

It's hard to keep a good girl down.

longvowels said...

I never know what to say but I feel like I should say something.
Enjoy the time you have together. The good times don't last but they aren't really supposed to, just enjoy them.

Wayward Son said...

It amazes me how you can say something so poignant and make me laugh all in the same sentence.

I don't really think your wasting your moments if only because you are so aware of everything. You certainly give the impression here on your blog that you are having good moments and not so good moments—you do not seem to be missing any of them. And I do believe that each moment for us all is a choice. But the choice is to find what is joyful and not what is painful. I kind of think both of those things exist at the same time in every present moment—it's just what we choose to focus on at any given time. This is hard to articulate. It's even harder to actuate. It DOES seem like you are getting there. And you have come so far.


Jade said...

Letting go is terribly difficult. It has got to be the single most challenging thing I've ever done. It doesn't come naturally to most people. Constantly watching and attempting to prepare for the bad is instinctive, like tightening your muscles when you see a car speeding towards you. To let go is akin to feeling as though your throwing your control far, far away from you. It's like an emotional loosening of your bowels. But it's important to accomplish it so the negativity can be allowed to dissipate.

You'll get there when you're ready. You are smart, self-aware, and inquisitive; I think you need to go through this emotional fortressing before you can 'let go'. Live in these wasted moments so you know what you're turning away from, so that when you are able to let go you can find more value in it.

kristi said...

Well, I can say I understand how you feel, somewhat. I am that way in my relationships but considering what happened yesterday, I have my reasons. And so do you.

Anybeth said...

a huge part of love is trust. you are trying to regain the trust, still. slow but sure.
you watch your wallet like you watch your heart.
if the trust comes back, you won't be watching the door.
you'll be looking into his eyes.