Tuesday, November 6, 2007

"Lesbian Chained To Bed."

That's how someone found me using Google today. I think it's probably my favorite search string, ever. Sorry to disappoint you with my silly lesbian llama farm.

Things are ok. I guess. I mean, things are totally a fucking wreck, but in a slowly improving kind of way. Kind of like climbing really, really slowly up a very, very steep mountain. He still is very agitated, but it gets better each day as the methadone dose increases.

I spent a few minutes today being very resentful of what a slave he is to his addiction. We haven't been anywhere together in a long time, and it's because he's been chained to dope. Now he's chained to the methadone clinic. Soon, he'll be able to get take-homes, which will improve that situation a bit, but I'm still pissed. I'm pissed we've lost so much time that we should be enjoying together. I've wanted to carry my pretty man somewhere with blue, blue water or blue, blue sky for so long, and we've not gone anywhere. He can't get too far away from his goddamned dope man.


Rae said...

I pray for a long journey for you soon.

Doesn't it always feel like ... whether we are the addict or we love the addict ... we just want to get away.

In my opinion, it's perfectly fine to need a respite, some rest.

I heard a good thing in an Al-Anon meeting the other day though. A woman said that she kept putting so much of her life on holding waiting for the kids to do what they were supposed to do, the husband to stop drinking, fix the car, take out the trash, etc. etc. And one day she finally found freedom when someone told her, "Face it. You can keep waiting for someone to show up, but the truth is ... Nobody's coming."

I've used that "Nobody's coming" a couple of times this week ... it's frustrating and sad, but it's true.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Well, you know my solution -- time for a threesome vacation: you, G and the dope man!

Chloe said...

You WILL go to that beautiful place, or even just out to dinner like "normal" people. We drove up to the mountains a few weeks back to look at foliage. A year ago he was too busy in active addiction that we couldn't drive anywhere because chances were one or both or our vehicles were loaned out so he could take care of his "mistress" metaphorically speaking.
Things just take time.

Wayward Son said...

Things must be getting better because that errant wit of yours is resurfacing. I have been missing that.

That sky will be the most beautiful shade of blue when you get there. Worth it? Maybe, maybe not. But it will be the most beautiful sky you have ever seen.

Mantramine said...

It comes sooner than you think. We are at 2 week carries (as it's called here anyways). It is only occassionaly that I think he's fucking with his dose. Apparently, now, I just get pissed off about normal bitchy wife thigs- boooorrrring!!

Hey! I got some good mail today!


sKILLz said...

I know the feeling your feeling and what hes feeling as well.
I feel like i traded one addiction for another. I cant go anywhere or do anything unless i make my clinic, same as making sure I saw my dealer.
I hope things get better hunny, I REALLY do!

Anybeth said...

If you two can go for a ride on a Saturday morning, and get somewhere fun for the day and enjoy each other, and make it back home for his next dose, you can survive this together and start living again.