Monday, November 5, 2007

I Need To Believe That Something Extraordinary Is Possible.

I found myself trapped in a situation today with nothing to do except watch A Beautiful Mind. I'd wanted to see it for a long time, but I had no idea how moving it would be, or how apt for this particular moment, or how much I'd identify with that Alicia character and her love's infinite stickiness.

Through her child being nearly drowned and her husband's near-attempts at murdering her, she held on. She loved.

Two of her quotes were just right. There was that quote in the title of this post: I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible. Indeed, I need to believe that something extraordinary is possible...that my husband can beat the odds against heroin addicts getting clean, that the sweet, creative, strong, centered man I fell in love with will win this battle against the drug addict that's leaching off of him. I need to believe it. I need to have faith that my love for this man isn't bottomless, pointless.

I also really liked it when Nash's friend was asking her how she was doing, and she started explaining that her husband's delusions had subsided. I do that. Folks as me how I'm doing, and I say, "Well, we're through the worst of the withdrawals," or some other such foolishness. If forced to say how I'm doing, I have to pause and really remember what's me as opposed to what's him.

But when she finally says how she's doing, it's something like:

Sometimes, what I feel is obligation, or resentment towards John, or God. But sometimes, I force myself to look at him and see the man I fell in love with. And when I do that, I become the person who loves him. And for now, that's enough.

I related so much to her, her frustration and her tenacity. When she was watching him go through the agony of electric shock, wondering if the man that she loved was really in that body, was ever really in that body, or ever even really existed in the first place...I know that place. It's a bad place.

I couldn't help but wonder, though, at how much I seem to be getting the same message pounded into my head, again and again:

LOVE, LOVE, LOVE. Be patient and LOVE.

8 comments:

bella said...

Not such a bad message to have brought to you again and again.
And what i love about this line in them movie, and what you are doing here, with your life, is that owning and knowing that for now, we say yes and choose this. And for now, it is enough. And all we ever get to know and have is now. So we let it be.

Ej. said...

Great movie, and yes, very telling of what true love can be.

Recovering Wino said...

Hope you are getting some love, too.

Hugs to you...as you are well loved here out on the internet. I really do see your growth in your writing.

Wayward Son said...

Amen.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I only just finished watching Bug -- and now I have another great codie movie to add to the list?

Recovery Discovery said...

Beautiful post. Beautiful sentiments. A Beautiful Mind really touched me, too.

Doc's Girl said...

Wow...looks like I'm going to have to put that movie on my list of ones to watch! :)

Kelly L Taylor said...

May you be blessed in your efforts to seek humanity in what the drugs have tried to destroy. May you blessed in your ongoing struggle to maintain humanity within yourself.

I was impressed with the same thing in the movie - not how incredible was Nash's mind but how awe-inspiring was his wife's commitment! My hat is off to you, and to her.

It is a must-see movie.