Thursday, October 18, 2007

I Still Got It.

I went out tonight with my BFF, and I realized that it's been a long, long time since I've put on makeup, dressed up, and gone out. Something I enjoy so much and used to do so regularly has completely disappeared from my life. My job doesn't require too much beautification, and we've been too broke to go out together too much since last year.

He decided to be miserable and go to bed and pout, which was great, as it left LV and I the whole evening to hang out. I sort of fixed my hair and put on makeup for the first time since I went to a funeral a little while back. I put on big-girl shoes, with heels that go clickety-clack, and a shirt that shows off my waist. I had on lipstick. I was hot. I remember.

And the audience responded. We saw some folks who I hadn't seen in a while, and some folks I see all the time, and men approached us and talked and were flattering and kind and flirty and fun. I'd forgotten that I'm interesting for more than my ability to provide and hold down the fort while Mr. Junky gets his shit together. I'm sexy for my own self, inwards and outwards.

And how did I forget this? What brainwashing has made me forget the first thing I learned, from earliest, earliest childhood--that I'm a pretty girl and that people like me? I can make boys and girls smile and laugh. That's fun to do. I'm, like, one of those people, those smiling people I see outside of my car window, surrounded by folks who want to hear what they have to say.

I'm partly thrilled with our little fun night out, and partly horrified that I'd forgotten. What else am I forgetting about who I am? And I'm sad that he wasn't there with me, the man that I love. We used to be together, out charming folks and being attractive. Now he's home nursing a tragically low self-esteem while I'm being reborn into society. It's sad for him.

14 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, man. I know that feeling. I forget that I'm a fun person in my own right too -- or even a person in my own right -- but I'm bogged down by the Mama personae in addition to the evolving into a higher being through recovery in this marriage to a sex addict personae.

I wish I were there. I'll have to wait for us to be all hot and brilliant and funny together on the llama farm.

Dharmashanti said...

I'm glad you were able to reconnect to your beautiful feminine self. It's so easy to loose that part of our identity in marriage and motherhood.

And thanks for defying the delusion that says to be in recovery is not to have fun!

Girls rock!
Dharma

Wayward Son said...

I can't see how sexy and beautiful you are because I live 3,000 miles away. But I know it from reading what you write. One of my favorite stories to tell my recovery friends is about your post reading aloud at Mr. Junky's first meeting. Something like "Spend twenty-four thousand dollars on a graduate degree in poetry and you too can read aloud at an NA meeting." Genius.

If one never has to question their wit one will never have to question their attractiveness to the world at large. Never.

Mantramine said...

You're hot

Chloe said...

Did you wear that outfit last night? If so, I wanna borrow it.
PS: Your boobies are way bigger than pictured!

thejunkyswife said...

I did wear that outfit. It was smokin'. You're welcome to raid my closet any time, Chloe.

Stagnant Artist said...

Girl, you are always hot. I know it, you know it, hell, even everyone here who doesn't know you personally knows it. Maybe G needs a night out like the one you had tonight too. Maybe he needs to see his "pretty" side too. You know. Get dressed up and not feel like the only time you all go out is to a meeting or dumpster diving for donuts. Take your man out and show him what life was like. make him beautiful again.

sKILLz said...

Well Im glad to hear that you had a good time. Im sorry to hear that he wants there to share it with you.
Sometimes you just need some time away from each other though. Sometimes its a good thing.

Jaqui said...

Thats great!! There is nothing better than being with the girls. I just had a night like that with my two favorite girls and it was just what i needed!!

ScOuT said...

I knew you and V were out being all hot together!
As for G -- I am sad for him cause I know the nursing your low self-esteem period he must be in. I'm also sad for him cause he best get a move on -- you are growing!
Love, Love, Love,
Scout

UrbanThought said...

Glad you got in touch with your Sexy. Hiding it away that long can do something to your image of self. Hopefully you'll allow yourself the opportunity to experience that great time that you've had.

Dude needs to step up and appreciate and step out and celebrate the life you two have together. Tell him I said to stop wallowing in his own self-esteem issues. The only way to get over them and improve as a person is to get out of the box that he built for himself.

Recovering Wino said...

You can tell how hot someone is by how they write....I already knew you were a hottie:) (but I'm sure it means more coming from the male persuasion)

msb said...

I hear that clickety-clack all the way to Arizona.

longvowels said...

it was sooo much fun!