I went out tonight with my BFF, and I realized that it's been a long, long time since I've put on makeup, dressed up, and gone out. Something I enjoy so much and used to do so regularly has completely disappeared from my life. My job doesn't require too much beautification, and we've been too broke to go out together too much since last year.
He decided to be miserable and go to bed and pout, which was great, as it left LV and I the whole evening to hang out. I sort of fixed my hair and put on makeup for the first time since I went to a funeral a little while back. I put on big-girl shoes, with heels that go clickety-clack, and a shirt that shows off my waist. I had on lipstick. I was hot. I remember.
And the audience responded. We saw some folks who I hadn't seen in a while, and some folks I see all the time, and men approached us and talked and were flattering and kind and flirty and fun. I'd forgotten that I'm interesting for more than my ability to provide and hold down the fort while Mr. Junky gets his shit together. I'm sexy for my own self, inwards and outwards.
And how did I forget this? What brainwashing has made me forget the first thing I learned, from earliest, earliest childhood--that I'm a pretty girl and that people like me? I can make boys and girls smile and laugh. That's fun to do. I'm, like, one of those people, those smiling people I see outside of my car window, surrounded by folks who want to hear what they have to say.
I'm partly thrilled with our little fun night out, and partly horrified that I'd forgotten. What else am I forgetting about who I am? And I'm sad that he wasn't there with me, the man that I love. We used to be together, out charming folks and being attractive. Now he's home nursing a tragically low self-esteem while I'm being reborn into society. It's sad for him.