Friday, October 19, 2007

The Funky Junky.

While my BFF has been visiting, Mr. Junky has been in a stinking fog of funky self-pity. He's got a lot coming up to be excited about...the new job possibility is official and starts next week. If he can keep himself together and pull it off, he'll probably make some pretty decent money. Our relationship is solid. He's been hanging out with his family a lot in some new and positive ways, visiting with his brother and nephew.

It hasn't mattered, though, that all these things are going well. He's just kind of poopy and miserable and needy and sad. He wants me either very far away from him or holding him in my arms and stroking his hair. This approach-avoidance business is generally maddening, but I've been in a great place lately, hanging out with my friend and working and getting stuff done that I like and keeping myself in a good balance.

He's been blowing off meetings because his schedule will change with the new job. He'll have to find a new group to replace the group he'd become comfortable with, and he's avoiding doing that. (I've been a champion about letting that be his business, by the way. Shit, I'd love to make it mine...but it's his, and I see that, and I'm ok with it.) I have a few theories about what's up with the meeting avoidance. I know it's a general dance you addicts like to do in early recovery...go to a few meetings, and then decide you've graduated for a bit, and then come back, and then decide that you're not like those people, and then go back, and then say you don't really have a problem. He's just doing what addicts do in early recovery...

He has also had a few slips lately, and I think he's wrestling with whether or not he's going to count his "slips" as official slips. When he picked up his white chip, he said he'd probably not get chips after that one, as he wanted to be able to smoke a little weed now and then and drink occasionally. He smoked some weed with his dad not too long ago, and I think he's avoiding meetings like a sinner might avoid the confession box.

I trust, though, that he'll find his way back. I've seen how much a good meeting can help him, all the way from the top of his life (with big stuff like jobs and spirituality and self-esteem) down to the bottom (with little things like day-to-day helping around the house and his maddening mood swings). He knows it, too, and he'll find his way back. It's hard to avoid, anyway, with all the 12 step stuff all over our house and all over his parents' house.

As clear as my mind is lately and as healthy as I'm feeling, it's all still underscored by sadness. I want him to be happy, too. I want him to appreciate how much he's grown, to know how much he's loved, and to feel hopeful for the world full of possibilities he's got before him. I'm trying, though, to have faith in the process and to trust that he will see these things in his own time.

8 comments:

R said...

Yay you in all your healthiness. I love your description of the early recovery dance. I'd like to copy that paragraph and share it with my Mrs. Junky, if that's ok with you. She's been doing that dance too. Finished her 90 in 90. Took a meetng vacation. Just made a new committment to 4 a week. Let me know if it's ok to cut and paste the paragraph.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Look at you, being all healthy. I find this is the hardest thing -- not getting caught up in my husband's moods and letting his shit be his shit. I've definitely been spiraling into my own funk lately -- sucked down in the wake of my husband's pain.

vicariousrising said...

You sound so wonderful and secure, and then I read about your husband having slips and I get a little floored. I don't know if I am in awe because of how you love him or if I think you are a little nutty. I guess as a recovering alcoholic I think a little of both. At any rate, as long as you are feeling good about yourself I think it is great. I'm not sure what I am trying to say exactly, lol.

ScOuT said...

Leave it to Vicarious -- she's a trip and you should be reading her blog if you don't, JW. She's a fabulous writer and also my cyber soul sister......

O.k., so G's doing that thing. I know it and I understand it, although not all of us do it in the beginning. He'll come back. I hate how fucking slow this process is sometimes. I have even come to hate the word process.....

Now I don't know what I am trying to say either. You sound in a good place and that's what I care about most. Scouter wants her JW to be happy.

LOVE, Love, love,
Scout

Question said...

It's hard not to be sad when people you love are sad. Insert for sad wheever words fits better (I've been writing too much and I'm sick of finding the right word). But especially when that someone is your husband, it's hard. Which of course you know. I'm thinking of you.

Question said...

P.S. Have you seen this?

http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/sequence_builder

You can make up your own yoga class; I'm doing one now for grouchiness

bella said...

Kuddos to you for letting his life be his own, complete with moody funks, slips and meetings or the lack thereof. It takes some courage and grace to know we can't really change other people, though god knows we try and want to desperately.
That you are holding your own space and power while opening to the sadness that is there is amazing to me. Just amazing.

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

It does sound like you are getting a firm grasp of how an addict or an addict thinks. "Official" slips, "occasional" drinks and substance use, and the meeting avoidance are just tools of the trade. Glad to see you hanging in there healthy and alert.