While my BFF has been visiting, Mr. Junky has been in a stinking fog of funky self-pity. He's got a lot coming up to be excited about...the new job possibility is official and starts next week. If he can keep himself together and pull it off, he'll probably make some pretty decent money. Our relationship is solid. He's been hanging out with his family a lot in some new and positive ways, visiting with his brother and nephew.
It hasn't mattered, though, that all these things are going well. He's just kind of poopy and miserable and needy and sad. He wants me either very far away from him or holding him in my arms and stroking his hair. This approach-avoidance business is generally maddening, but I've been in a great place lately, hanging out with my friend and working and getting stuff done that I like and keeping myself in a good balance.
He's been blowing off meetings because his schedule will change with the new job. He'll have to find a new group to replace the group he'd become comfortable with, and he's avoiding doing that. (I've been a champion about letting that be his business, by the way. Shit, I'd love to make it mine...but it's his, and I see that, and I'm ok with it.) I have a few theories about what's up with the meeting avoidance. I know it's a general dance you addicts like to do in early recovery...go to a few meetings, and then decide you've graduated for a bit, and then come back, and then decide that you're not like those people, and then go back, and then say you don't really have a problem. He's just doing what addicts do in early recovery...
He has also had a few slips lately, and I think he's wrestling with whether or not he's going to count his "slips" as official slips. When he picked up his white chip, he said he'd probably not get chips after that one, as he wanted to be able to smoke a little weed now and then and drink occasionally. He smoked some weed with his dad not too long ago, and I think he's avoiding meetings like a sinner might avoid the confession box.
I trust, though, that he'll find his way back. I've seen how much a good meeting can help him, all the way from the top of his life (with big stuff like jobs and spirituality and self-esteem) down to the bottom (with little things like day-to-day helping around the house and his maddening mood swings). He knows it, too, and he'll find his way back. It's hard to avoid, anyway, with all the 12 step stuff all over our house and all over his parents' house.
As clear as my mind is lately and as healthy as I'm feeling, it's all still underscored by sadness. I want him to be happy, too. I want him to appreciate how much he's grown, to know how much he's loved, and to feel hopeful for the world full of possibilities he's got before him. I'm trying, though, to have faith in the process and to trust that he will see these things in his own time.