Sunday, September 23, 2007

Rises And Sets.

...i make these promises but all my promises hurt
it's like they never get a lift off
so if i'm being honest with you
and it seems like i'm being cruel
at least you didn't get a rip off...

-Ryan Adams

Lovely, pain in the ass husband of mine...sombrero dancing my soul!

My sponsor and I talked for a while before the writing workshop yesterday. We talked about our fears. I told her that sometimes, I'm afraid that by learning to detach, learning to take care of myself, to say "No," to cope with my husband no matter what he's doing, I'm learning to accept a situation that won't ever be right. It's apparently a fear that many of us share...that the relationship we're in won't ever be right, that the best our partners can do won't ever be very good. That we will grow and grow as people, which is really a beautiful thing, but that we're somehow handicapping ourselves from growing by staying in relationships that are only ever going to be as healthy as our partners.

One of the things I've liked best about Nar-Anon is how similar I am to these folks who seem so different from me. The first time I went into a meeting, I was afraid when I saw everyone. I thought I wouldn't fit in, that it wouldn't be right for me, that everyone was older than me. And then I was surprised that everyone was older than me, as I'd figured that this whole junky's wife business would be the province of folks in their twenties. Surely, by the time I'm in my 50s, all this addiction business will be behind me! Right?

But I've come to really cherish the way that I'm so similar to the people in my group. We're all different ages and races and from all kinds of backgrounds, but we're so, so similar on the inside. We're broken and blessed in that same way...that extra dose of empathy that convinces us we can fix everybody, bear any weight, handle everything single-handedly.

It was good talking to my sponsor, though, as it helps me to see that she goes through the same shit that I go through.

And in the end, it doesn't matter. The sun rises and sets for me with my husband, and I'm not going anywhere...not today.


St. Amy Jane said...

Talking to people that have the same problems is almost comforting to me. I know I am not being judged. When you go in to a group you are thinking that you wont fit in, but that is never the case. People that are involved in drugs, alcohol and violence are all the same. We just need the help to be guided.

Anonymous said...

" similar I am to these folks who seem so different from me."

Ya, that is the real beauty of it for me right there, JW.

It's magical really.