Thursday, September 6, 2007

Life Is Sweet. (And that's scary.)

Sometimes, I'm so happy that I can't even speak.

(Ten minutes later, I'm a nervous wreck.)

I couldn't sleep last night. I was fretting about work stuff and home stuff and family stuff and just stuff in general, and I was tossing and turning and fretting and grumbling and cursing and getting in and out of bed. He got up and sat with me, held me. He was wonderful. He's been being wonderful. We've been wonderful together. We woke up together and had all these plans for the day that are brilliant and exactly what I would want if I were planning. And it's not me being's him, planning, changing, trying...and yet I feel sick.

And I'm struggling to enjoy it. All this wonderful husband stuff is scaring me. I'm skeptical and scared and wary and all in his business in a way I haven't been for a long time. Letting my guard down is terrifying.

We've got a meeting tonight. It's good. I bet I'll feel better after the meeting.

I just want so much to enjoy this good time. I don't want to be skeptical or scared. It's hard to take each day as it comes. I'd gotten better at taking each day as a new day and dealing with all the things that emerged when things were going so badly...I am having a hard time savoring the sweetness.


longvowels said...

savor it now and be thankful. that's all you can do.

Wayward Son said...

This is familar to me... I think it is a new kind of acceptance we are needing to practice. The acceptance of something good. On the face of it one would think that this would be so easy—especially compared to havng to learn to accept the things... the bad things we cannot change. But as they also say, we have to accept the GOOD with the bad.

You will find a way.


Mantramine said...

Oh! I know this one. I hate it! hate hate hate it.

That's when I just want to wretch every few minutes, for no (apparent) reason.

I hope you find the good stuff

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Yep, I know that feeling. Aren't we crazy? Can't even enjoy feeling good!

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