Thursday, September 20, 2007

It's meeting night.

I'm glad. I need it. I'm feeling a little like my batteries are run down...kind of tired and glum for no real reason. It's Thursday, but not the lovely pay-day-eve kind of Thursday. And, my nose is all icky and snotty. Gross. The change in seasons that I was just writing about as so invigorating yesterday has actually come back to kick me in my ass today.

I woke up this morning in such a wonderful pile of love. I had my dog on my head, his dog on our feet, and his arms around me. It makes it hard to get up and leave. I did lots of belly-scratching and head-nuzzling of all my best beloveds before really getting up and starting the day.

He was kind of out of sorts last night. It's his second day working, now. I've not even wanted to write about him working, as I'm trying not to have any expectations about it lasting or not lasting. It's just what it is. He's trying. He's doing his best. We'll see what happens.

But he was tired, and grumpy, and needy, and weird and quiet in that special addicty way:

Love me! Give me space! Help me! Stop trying to control me! Rub my back! Don't touch me! Tell me what I should do! Stop bossing me around! Take a shower with me! Now go away! Make me dinner! That dinner is wrong! Let me clean the house for you! Stop cleaning the house! I don't want to clean the house!

That shit is impossible, and I'm learning that the only way I can deal with it is to go in another room and do my own thing. When he's out of sorts, I have to stay away...

It's a good life-lesson for me. At our 12 step writing workshop this weekend, someone mentioned how she finds herself drawn to folks who are having a hard time. When an acquaintance gets sick, she finds herself reaching out to that acquaintance in a way she wouldn't otherwise. I do this, too. I am drawn to sick, broken, upset people...which isn't always bad. Compassion isn't bad. Continually devoting myself to helping people who don't want help, though, is unhealthy. Constantly biting off more than I can chew is unhealthy. Operating a one-woman soul-repair shop isn't good for my own soul.



Anonymous said...

You definitely do a lot for my soul -- a LOT a LOT. I hope I don't suck you dry, my friend.
G-d I love what you wrote about G's feelings!! I go through that exact. same. thing. in early recovery. It made me laugh to remember. It made me smile to know he is well on his way.

longvowels said...

I love you because when I am in trouble and upset you know exactly what's wrong before I do and you say it. And what I think I'm upset about is usually not what I'm really upset about.

Wayward Son said...

It's like the stewardess says, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first.

Yesterday there was a great speaker at the meeting I go to on Wednesday nights—AA for adults. He was great because he was a writer. (I wish the anonymous thing did not get in the way of me finding stuff he wrote cause I know I would love it.) He had as great message and I got most of it because he was funny. And the topic he chose for discussion was We Are Not A Glum Lot So remember to not be glum tonight.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I can so relate, codie that I am. I am in the business of soul repair too -- and drawn like a magnet to those who are aching. I need to learn to outsource!

Mantramine said...

The wet chilly morning air here, when it turns to fall, reminds me of being a little girl walking to the first day of school. Every year, no fail. I don't love it but I don't hate it. It's weird. The smell of fresh spermint always takes me back to summer days where the pavement is too hot to stand on with my bare little girl feet. I always try and keep some growing.

weird life

Anonymous said...

I do this too; am drawn to woman in need, or hurting, or broken, women like myself. I wonder if that is an addictive behavior or a codependent behavior (and is there a dif word for codie, because I HATE that word).

Gypsy said...

Just want to send you warm hug and kisses, you deserve mad respect, you are such a lady!