Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Or Maybe Not.

But either way, we had a good, long, honest talk. At least I was honest, and he was receptive.

I recognize that I'm feeling really vulnerable and scared for all kinds of reasons, and the last time I've felt that way was the last relapse. He offered me various evidences and explanations for why the things that were making me afraid weren't true. I rejected them all. I don't want to see receipts or piss in a jar or anything. I wanted to say my piece, explain my upset, hear his response, and go back to living.

And that's what I'm doing. I'm ok. My stuff is safe. I came home to a clear-headed, clear-eyed husband. His voice doesn't sound like it's at a bottom of a well. He washed the dishes and we talked, a lot. He's sitting next to me drawing. It's a happy moment...I'm a sucker for this drawing/writing scenario.

I'm not saying that I think he's not using. I'm not saying that I think he's using. I'm saying that right now, I don't care either way. Right now is good.

I love all of you for your comments and good wishes. I'm sending them back to you.

6 comments:

Madness (JAA) said...

G-d he has the voice thing, too? He and I are kin in that one. It was a dead give away every time no matter how good my fucking lie was......
I am so proud of you. You have a recovery program, babe. First things first. Work your program and all else will follow.
Excellent work.
Love you,
Scout

sKILLz said...

Well Im glad that you had a good talk and I understand where your coming from.
You are happy as long as hes there as long as hes near you and you know hes ok.
I really hope that hes not using and that whatever he said to you was the truth.
Again you know my email or myspace holla at me anytime.

Gledwood said...

One question I'm tempted to ask (not for an answer, you know a rhetorical question or whatever it's called) WHERE IS ALL THIS GOING..?? Know what I mean??

Sorry I've not been round for a while I've been in turmoils of various sorts...

Take care of yourself!

All the best

Gleds

Madness (JAA) said...

Um, hell-o! I'm up! It's 10:00 a.m. CST. Get on it, grl.
Never, ever make a junky wait for her wake-up.
MADNESS!

Stagnant Artist said...

i feel more at ease for you.... after talking with you yesterday, you were on my mind all night. I am happy you are at peace and got it out of your system. i send you all my love and support

paisley said...

it doesn't really matter does it... whether he is or he isn't he loves you... you love him.. you cherish the moments you have together,, and you quit looking ahead or behind...you have this moment nothing more.. don't waste it thinking about "what if"... there is no if... there is only now....