Saturday, August 25, 2007

MAD.

I woke up today, mad. Mad mad mad! Suddenly, firmly planted at the front of my mind, was a lie he told last December. LAST DECEMBER. I don't know why, and I don't know what caused it to be the thing of foremost importance in my life, but I had to leave the house. I kind of wanted to kill him.

And he wasn't doing anything bad. He even was on the phone, and said, "I've got this meeting I want to go to tonight, so I won't be able to come by"...and he said it without me glaring at him, or whining, or wheedling, or doing any of those things. He remembered! By himself! Like a big boy!

But I still hate him because he told a lie in December. It was a small-ish lie, too, but it's under my skin. It feels like that night was the start of a lot of mess, and maybe I need him to apologize for it before I can move on to the next THOUSAND lies.

He stopped by our apartment to pick up some spoons "because the boss' wife made soup." FUCK. I even said, jokingly, "What, are you going to go do heroin?" He replied, jokingly, "That would be pretty cool, wouldn't it?"

Hah. Hah. Fucking Hah.

The next day, I was supposed to be going to pay the $1000 earnest money deposit for the house we were planning to buy. He'd not been able to contribute to the deposit because he wasn't making any money.

"The shop's slow until the New Year."

I'd scrounged, borrowed, and taken a cash advance on my credit card to get that money together.

He LIED. He had MONEY and he spent it on HEROIN. He stole my fucking SPOONS. He came right in my house, lies all in his mouth, and stole my spoons and lied about money so he could buy fucking heroin with the money he'd made from work and left me to worry about all the grown up shit.

That was eight months ago. It was the first time I got a whiff of something being wrong. I'm mad about it, today.

And I'd just been telling him that I couldn't muster up a good mad anymore. Hah! I got a mad for him now. Maybe I should go back home and yell at him like he wanted me to do a few nights ago.

6 comments:

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Those lies, they come back and come back and come back and sting and sting and sting. And all the lies seem to boil down to "codie being really super responsible (like working on buying a house or taking care of an infant) while addict lies about doing something responsible (like going to a conference for work or out to dinner with coworkers) to hide the actual super irresponsible behavior (going out to spend all of addict and codie's money buying heroin and take other women out to dinner)." Sigh!

End with "codie feels so stupid for not having seen that he was actully shooting heroin into his eyeballs/dating a stripper instead of helping codie buy house/take care of infant."

thejunkyswife said...

I just took a nap, and now I'm awake and mad about another batch of lies. This time, in February. He was getting money from me to "refinish the floor in the kitchen" of the new house. Shit wasn't getting done, and money was just disappearing and disappearing and disappearing. He called me to read me this list of shit that he had to buy for the house, with this tone of "Well, don't you want it taken care of? What are you accusing me of?"

GOD. I could just kill him.

longvowels said...

OMG. I remember that night. We were on the phone laughing. about soup. I think I even said that was some damn good soup.
now I feel lied to too.

Wayward Son said...

That's some old baggage. What are carrying that around when you got a brand new bag in your hand?

thejunkyswife said...

You know, WS, I thought I was getting better about being such a bag lady. That's why I don't quite understand what's up with me today and all the old shit...I've handled it, though. I cried and was mad and went out and did my thing, and now it's better.

Inmatez Wife said...

There is a saying, one i am constantly reminding myself of with my own husband and his band of lies. "If you forgive your husband at breakfast, don't feed him it at dinner"
I am always having past lies and hurts come in my head, they like to resurface. I get all mad, furious, and I am back in that moment. That is not good for me, or for him. Forgiveness is such a long process when we are hurt so deeply. Addiction is a horrible thing that causes such scars. I am thinking of you with this, I have been there, and you will get through it. I know it.