Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Everybody's Shady, Especially You; or, Marriage: What it Meant.

"I'm not upset that you lied to me. I'm upset that from now on, I can't believe you."

I don't even really know where to begin to stop this hurting. It's kind of like I'm bleeding from a thousand cuts. I don't know which one to tend to first, but I'm trying and trying, and while I'm sticking band-aids everywhere, there's this madman with a razor blade cutting me open again and again and again.

I wish he'd just find a fucking vein.

(He was good enough at finding his own.)

I'm trying to think: What do I need?

I need two things:

1. I need to feel safe. I don't feel safe right now, anywhere, with anyone. That's not a good way to live.

2. I need room to create the kind of self I will be proud of being. I used to have this. I don't have it now. I have to make the space for myself, to take it back from my black hole of a husband, but I just don't want to put up a fight.

And what I want, more than anything, is for my man to try to make himself into the kind of person that he will be proud to be. I want him to become a man who he can live with, forever. It's making it hard for me to live with him, this extreme dislike of himself.

And he's not doing anything to make it better. He won't accept love or help or understanding from any of the folks who can give it to him. He's reaching out to all the wrong people and coming up with plans that don't make any sense...and it doesn't matter because he doesn't follow up with them anyway.

It's making me crazy. The answers are just there, in front of him. He won't have them.

And I guess the same thing is true for me, too. There's a very easy solution to what's wrong with my life. Everything that is hurting me is emanating from this one source...even the stuff that isn't him, comes from him, his bad decisions, his mistakes and fucked-up choices. None of this is going to change unless he changes it. I have no control.

All I can do is remove him from my life. I've pretty much cordoned off my life in such a way that he can't take anything away from me...but he's still there, in the house, hurting, and not doing anything to get better, and it hurts me to watch.

Today, I can't stop listening to "Wild Is The Wind"...the Nina Simone version, not the Bon Jovi:
You touch me,
I hear the sound of mandolins.
You kiss me,
with your kiss my life begins...
You're spring to me,
All things to me,
You're life itself.
Like a leaf clings to a tree,
Oh my darling, cling to me...

I'm not going to feel this way again. I don't want it to die.

While having a glorious dinner with RD last night, in real life before a meeting (We went in locked arm-in-arm, skipping, and telling inside jokes. We had on matching friendship bracelets. Writhe! Writhe! You Jealous Minions!), we talked about marriage and what it meant. We talked about the idea of forever, forever and forever and forever, no matter what. We talked about how that "no matter what" seemed so real and so possible...and how it just really didn't include this kind of hurt...this pointed, poignant hurt, aimed at my heart...aimed at destroying my spirit. Aimed at convincing me that what I know is right, true, real is wrong, false, imagined. Aimed at making me fucking crazy. I never expected that day when I married him, when I married him with every atom in my body, meaning it like nothing I'd ever meant before and nothing I'll ever mean again, I never thought that forever would include a day like today.


Stagnant Artist said...

Forever is a scary word. Nothing lasts forever does it? I have been asking myself that question a lot lately. I just think you need a vacation badly. You both do. Together. Away from the house, stray and problems. Be together alone in a new environment.

longvowels said...

I agree with SA. I guys need to be somewhere else for a while but it's hard with bills and without money blah blah blah...
And just because there is no real "forever" that doesn't mean to love there isn't real and isn't incredible. It's all that and more.

Anonymous said...

Yes, there is forever, J-Wife. There most certainly is forever....
But is DOES include feelings like you are having today. Forever relationships are fucking hard, but they can and do happen. They take work and time and commitment from BOTH people.
If he won't work on his recovery, he at least needs to know he has to work on his relationship with you. Tell him so he has a chance before he loses you.
Peace and Love and, yup, some jealousy,

paisley said...

i have been lurking here for quite some time,, as you didn't turn your feed off when you made you blog private... i too not only was in desperate immortal love with a junkie,, but was one myself,, different drug,, same choices...
i left the love of my life,, and continued my drug habit till i got to a place where i had to stop or die... that was nearly 15 years david wasn't so lucky... he died with the needle still in his arm january 17, 2004....

i will never forgive myself for leaving him... i miss him with a vengeance every single day..and that was all long ago and far away...

you will never love anyone the way you love that man,, and he will never love anyone the way he loves you.. you have a bond that even death cannot break... so for you my girl... forever means forever....

Ingrid said...

I am sending a big virtual hug to you. I am so sorry you have been feeling like this. You deserve to feel safe, loved and free to be who you want to be. It's hard to always be the strong one.

Recovery Discovery said...

Dinner was wonderful. Sorry it didn't keep you from having such a miserable day. Did ya check out the martial arts place I saw? I had to smile at the visual image of us with our friendship bracelets skipping arm-in-arm. And hey, I have initials!! I'm RD. Tra La!!

Jenn said...

Sometimes I feel like you do.. even though my husband isnt and never was addicted to drugs. Being Married is hard, Ive only been married for seven months.. but i know that forever is forever, and married means forever.
You sleep cuddled together like its the last embrace you'll ever have. Just focus on that, because that makes people even with the best marriages jealous. You have something that everyone wants. Stay focused on the good things, and only focus on the bad things when you are working constructively to make them good things.
Smiles, and hope, I pray for you.