Sunday, August 19, 2007

Death Looms.

Last night, I was so afraid.

He didn't answer the phone.

I called and called.

He'd gone to bed early.

He never answered.

I was so fucking scared.

People have been threatening us.

He might have overdosed.

I kept thinking that he was hurt, dead, lost to me forever.

I called his mother and she went over there.

He was mad.

MAD.

As if he can't understand that people love him.

7 comments:

Madness (JAA) said...

See, these are the places where he becomes such a fuckwad -- sorry, but he really does.
It's HIS fucking behavior that has created all of this concern in the first fucking place and then when someone is scared, he has the nerve to be pissed off.
He's really got to learn how to take some responsibility for his past behavior and how it has had a HUGE impact on the people who love him. AND THAT HIS ADDICTION HAS CONSEQUENCES!!!!!
And this, to me, is what he REALLY misses out on by not being in recovery -- to learn to get beyond his own self-centeredness and realize he has responsibility to others just by being alive.
Sorry for the rant. If I were there, I would have just come over and slapped him before I posted.
Love to you, girl,
Scout

Addicted 2 my addict said...

I would have done the exact same thing... ughhh i can almost feel that twisting, churning nervous feeling in the bottom of my stomach.

Wayward Son said...

Despite my insisting that people practice otherwise, I sometimes only see what the worst could be. That sets the stage for what I can expect What I am learning, though, is that I have to practice seeing what the best could be and set the stage for my expectations to be good ones. And it is something I have to practice over and over to get better at.

Death only looms when it is expecting an invitation.

sKILLz said...

I hate that feeling. You start thinking the worst I know I do the same. I dont know why we dont think the best.
Maybe because were used to getting the bad news we try to prepare ourselves for it.
He was mad? You think he would be happy that someone was so worried!

Mantramine said...

This is not unlike when mine told me to "fuck off" when I called him like 7 times in one minute FREAKING OUT. I felt he should have taken better care of me in that moment and he didn't. He was a total and complete asshole, and so was 'G.' What are we gonna do though? Rub salt in our wounds? I say punch him in the head once, then if you want, you can kiss it better. bad junky

The Discovering Alcoholic said...

The stress and pain that comes from worrying when "it" will happen is something most alcoholics and addicts just don't get.

It wasn't until I had dealt with another family member's alcoholism that I came to understand this. I had no clue before.

I used to joke to my family about how hard it was for them while I was drinking, but really felt that I was the one who had suffered the most. Now I know better.

Chris said...

See this is the part that always got to me.. I got to do all the worrying,while he got to be well, just high. That to me was so damn unfair I couldn't take it anymore.The fact that he felt no pain or upsetedness (is that a word) was more than I could bear.