I'm feeling pretty worn down. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm overwhelmed on all fronts.
I got home last night, and I dreaded getting home the whole way. I dreaded it from leaving until pulling into the driveway. I thought and thought of ways that I could stay home, longer. I don't like it at my house. It's dirty. He's there. He's miserable and miserable to be around.
I got an email this morning on my work email address from someone he scammed out of money. This is the second time that's happened, and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. First, it's money he's had and lied about. Apparently, he took a couple of hundred dollars from someone as a "deposit," and now he won't respond to her. I never knew of him having $200. So where's the money?
Second, we work in the same industry. I don't know what this person expects me to do for her. I don't have money to give her for him. I'm sorry she got taken, but I've been taken bigger than anyone. I am afraid, though, that she will put the word out that my man's shady, which will reflect badly on me. I love my job. I don't want to lose it because of his mess.
I've got all these boundaries up that I'm defending tooth and nail against his constant onslaughts. That was a helpful way to get through what felt like crisis time, but it's not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be able to relax and just be married, to share and trust and be like regular folks. I'm tired, tired, tired of this vigilance. I'm tired of feeling at war. I know I'm sick because my body is rejecting my life. I don't want to do this anymore.