Monday, August 20, 2007


I'm feeling pretty worn down. I'm sick, and I'm tired, and I'm overwhelmed on all fronts.

I got home last night, and I dreaded getting home the whole way. I dreaded it from leaving until pulling into the driveway. I thought and thought of ways that I could stay home, longer. I don't like it at my house. It's dirty. He's there. He's miserable and miserable to be around.

I got an email this morning on my work email address from someone he scammed out of money. This is the second time that's happened, and it makes me really, really uncomfortable. First, it's money he's had and lied about. Apparently, he took a couple of hundred dollars from someone as a "deposit," and now he won't respond to her. I never knew of him having $200. So where's the money?

Second, we work in the same industry. I don't know what this person expects me to do for her. I don't have money to give her for him. I'm sorry she got taken, but I've been taken bigger than anyone. I am afraid, though, that she will put the word out that my man's shady, which will reflect badly on me. I love my job. I don't want to lose it because of his mess.

I've got all these boundaries up that I'm defending tooth and nail against his constant onslaughts. That was a helpful way to get through what felt like crisis time, but it's not the way I want to spend the rest of my life. I want to be able to relax and just be married, to share and trust and be like regular folks. I'm tired, tired, tired of this vigilance. I'm tired of feeling at war. I know I'm sick because my body is rejecting my life. I don't want to do this anymore.


Chris said...

Things will get better for you, I pray. One day this will all be a distant memory. That's what I use to tell myself to make it thru the hard times........It didn't really help tho,to be honest. I hurt with you.

Married to an Addict said...

Yet we aren't regular, are we.

It sucks. Big time.

longvowels said...

This is hard and we were just talking about this. He has to start taking some responsibility, which might mean to stop covering for him.

Stagnant Artist said...

i know it's hard and you are strong. Sometimes it's hard to always be strong. You are going to tend to break down at times. but remember, we are your support and will keep you up even when you are down.

Mantramine said...

I think I will come and stick my tank girl boot on his neck and tell him he must go live with my Junky for a bit. The ladies have some house cleaning, some soul cleaning, to do. Then all the llama girls will come and we will cleanse your house, like witches do. We will bark at the corners where nasty spirits sit

darkness cannot survive in the light. WS

Chloe said...

You're body tells you when you don't want to do it're mind & soul tell you when you CAN'T do it anymore.
I wish there was a meeting tonight so i could give you a big hug. I remember feeling EXACTLY how you feel right now.

sKILLz said...

Well just because he conned someone out of money doesnt mean you have to pay for it and dont have to get shit for it either.
This is his problem.
Yes I understand that you dont want people at your job to look at you different but people are going to talk shit no matter what.
Have you confronted him about this 200bucks? As to where it went and how come he didnt tell you about it?
Honestly hun I think your just too dam stressed and you dont deserve this shit.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Bleh! I'm tired too -- and I have nothing more to say. Just bleh! on everything.

laurie said...

I am so sorry. You do not deserve this.

Anam_Kihaku said...

thats sucks huge amounts. *hugs* wish i could make him realise he cannot pull this shit any more. I will i could be brave for and get you out of there but love is what love does :(

serenitynowdammit said...

Hang in there, girl! You're going to be fine. Get this crap out of your system - scream, kick, cry, curse, whatever it takes. Sounds like you may be mourning the death of the relationship you thought you had. Low expectations, high gratitude. Don't pay his bills. Call people from your phone list instead of his mom the next time. You're learning and progressing and you're going to make it. You have lots of people that love you and support you and believe in you! Would you blame a diabetic for their sugar levels going haywire if they're weren't taking their insulin, eating right and exercising? He's untreated. He's not in recovery. Expect this.

DirtyBitchSociety said...

Yes, what Skillz said, exactly.

"I know I'm sick because my body is rejecting my life."

It speaks and I feel it.