Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Partly cloudy anniversary.

I'd give yesterday's anniversary a 75%. That's passing, isn't it? A strong C-. A good, solid C-. There was a screaming fit, a flinging of the "bitch" word, heaving sobs, a movie, an excellent dinner, a bottle of wine, and good sex.

It's always so stupid. He did and said things he shouldn't have done and said, and he didn't do or say things he should have. I didn't let things go that I should have let go. I was hurt because I had expectations of what a first anniversary should be like.

Blah. Blah. Fucking Blah.

Same story, different day. It's only tragic because we can't get our first wedding anniversary back, and I'd wished very hard to make it nice.

The cranberry juice helps to prevent urinary tract infections, which I'm prone to catching.

At dinner, his conversation topic of choice was how he didn't understand why my ex-husband and his ex-girlfriend can't just accept how things are and be friends with us. He says that they both knew that he fucked everyone over, constantly, and they should have been prepared to be fucked over. What makes them think they're different?

In my head, I'm thinking, "What makes me think I'm different?"

I ask him, "What makes me different?"

He says, "You just are different. This is different. I've been incredibly loyal to you, except for when I was stealing your money and fucking you over because of drugs. Except for that."

I wanted to hear that I'm beautiful and wonderful and that he's so lucky that I've loved him through the hardest time in his life. I wanted to tell him that I've chosen him, and that I'd continue to choose him every day no matter how hard it might be. I wanted to tell him that he's talented, beautiful, wonderful, and that I know that we'll be happy soon. I wanted him to tell me that he knows that we'll be happy soon.

I wanted it to be different. I want to be different. I want our love and our marriage to be as special as the place where we grew from. I want it to be worth the mess we've made to get here. It has to be worth it.


Anonymous said...

You are beautiful and wonderful and he's very lucky to have you love him through the hardest time of his life.
It's not the same, but the TRUTH of it is, my friend.

75% is really good actually, especially when you consider where things have been very recently. Could he do better? I'm not sure he's capable right now -- I wish I knew him -- but I do know that good things lie ahead for you. I trust that with everything that is in me.

But I still want to come and shake the shit out of him.

Peace and hot sweaty monkey sex,

longvowels said...

And yes it's worth it, even if you wake up one day and say you're done. It's still worth it because it is what it is. It's just life.
You know what I mean? Let's say you walked away, it doesn't mean it would be easier. It would just be different. So love your every day.
75% is really good considering lil nasty got an F.

Stagnant Artist said...

Thanks for the explanation of the cranberry juice.. hehe. i was hoping it was something more kinky and not what i knew it did. oh well. As for your anniversary, you did fine. It is like looking back over the year and seeing how it went. A review if you will. You have had a rough year, a year that was starting with an F. So to get it up to passing, hey that is awesome. Next year, you can look back over the year and compare. Maybe it will be a B. Who knows...... could be an A. Don't make those expectations too big girl. You are still getting out of the muck and mire.

Anonymous said...

Tell him. The thing I am learning, is you CAN have expectation, they just cant be secret, and you they cant be met if the addict doesnt know what you want, need or expect. Think of us as little kids, ya, it's a shitty analogy, but fitting.

If you want him to tell you your beautiful, and all the things you want to hear, tell him. Don't say that you shouldnt have to, that you want him to say them because he wants to say them. My god, just saying that is so highschool, my point is that even though we want to say beautiful things to you, it's easier for us to say them ABOUT you. We say them to other people; I write them on my blog, but what I don't do is tell her. The thing is it never crossed my mind. I figured she knew. YES, we are that incredibly stupid. So no more secret expectations.