Tuesday, July 17, 2007

More things we said.

Sometimes it's like I just sit up and wonder how I got here, you know. Where the fuck am I?

Do you think it would be better if you were with him?

No. But it's not just a split path. I could be any number of places, and yet I'm here, with you, telling me how everyone who's ever trusted you or believed in you or had faith that things with you might be better had been a damned fool.

Don't you have hope, though? You say you have hope that things will be better, and that things are better.

But is it damned fool hope? Is that what you're telling me?

Eat some dessert.

I don't want dessert. I want you. I choose you.

(He laughs) What's that from? A tv show?

It's from my mouth. It's what I'm saying to you, tonight, on the anniversary of our marriage. I choose you. I've stayed because I've chosen to stay.

If it's so hard, then why do you stay?

Because I love you.

Why do you love me?

Because I do. All the way down in my guts.


Amy said...

This sounds really hard. I'm so sorry.
I think if you're looking for him to appreciate what you have done by staying (which is significant), you might keep coming up hungry. Maybe your affirmations need to come from within and from other people. In order for him to affirm what you've done, he has to admit how hard it has been and it seems like he just can't quite do that right now.
It strikes me that you keep trying to nourish yourself out of crumbs and always seem hungry.
Your pain and hurt and sorrow come through very clearly in your writings. I'm sorry.

Anonymous said...

He speaks the words of someone who is still sick.
I'm so sorry, JW.
He just can't admit the harms he has caused, still causes, and that people KNEW what he was up to and chose to stay. He would rather see it as him fooling them somehow. And he has the grandiosity to think he could make someone do whatever he wanted them to do.
He's still sick.
I just want you to feel happy.

Wayward Son said...

Ouch! Get off that train! Talk about what you want and not what you don't. All the time. Talk only about what you want. Stop talking about what you don't want. Even if he talks about what he doesn't want Even if he talks about what you don't want. Talk about only what you want. Think about only what you want. Do it in the face of not getting it. It's worth a try.

Thanks for the lovely comment. I went to the same meeting again today and it was still beautiful but in different way. There was just one speaker today who was this young man who is very droll, very sincere, very psyched to have a sponsor and a sponcee (as he said it) who he could work the steps with for both his charge and himself. It was a great story. He was just past two years clean from heroin. He was beautiful.

Anonymous said...

What I see is the guilt; it kills us, it's killing him. He doesn't know what to do with it, we often don't. We will always feel guilty until we learn to forgive ourselves. It's not about the people we have harmed, stolen from, or whatever, if those people choose to forgive us great, if not, it shouldn't matter, the key is self forgiveness.