That's the struggle, then. It has been from the beginning. We have these ideas of what marriage is, of who our partners are, of what our futures are going to look like. And then, the giant crocodiles emerge from the muddy corners of our yards, and eat us.
No matter how much I know about the disease of addiction, what my husband is going through, and what I need to do to take care of myself and accept the life that I've chosen, I still get disappointed.
And then there's that matter of choice. Today, I am choosing to be with my husband, fully accepting him in the way that he is: beautiful, broken, selfish, sick, dependent. Today, I love him, and I have hope that things will be better. What confuses me is where that idea of hope crosses over into me having expectations. If this is the best I can hope for, then it's not what I want. If this is as good as it will ever be in this relationship, it's not good enough for me.
If it's going to be better, though, I want to wait. By "better," I mean if he is going to be working and if he is going to act like a grownup one day...if he is going to be someone who I can rely on to be my partner, to offer support, to share my life.
Sometimes I'm so good at acceptance. I am compassionate and understanding and forgiving...I am able to let go of my resentment and let go of my expectations and just live, just enjoy. I am able to do these things not just because I love my husband very much, but because I know that it's a better way to live my life...accepting each day that's good as a gift is much better than constantly striving towards some inachievable ideal.
But sometimes, after a few glasses of wine, and when it's a time that I can't retrieve, start over, or try again, I let myself expect. I let myself desire. Last night, I wanted a relatively simple few things: a clean house, a nice dinner, to make love, and to talk about our past and our future with a sense of accomplishment for both of us. Instead, he reminisced over every person he's ever fucked over and questioned why they didn't see it coming, questioned how they can be angry over their broken hearts.
So now, I'm going to try to think differently, again. I'm stuck in an expectations rut. I'm going to think about right now, about my day and the way that it's going. I'm going to indulge myself somehow, possibly with eBay shopping or possibly with something delicious to eat, and I'm going to take charge of the ways that I feel. I'm not going to hold myself hostage anymore, and I'm not going to let my husband's unhappiness with the way his life is working infect me.
I love him. He loves me. We're together, and sometimes, it's really beautiful. I have a fun job, a house, and great friends. My life is going well. Today, that's enough.