Tuesday, July 17, 2007

And the marriage that isn't.

That's the struggle, then. It has been from the beginning. We have these ideas of what marriage is, of who our partners are, of what our futures are going to look like. And then, the giant crocodiles emerge from the muddy corners of our yards, and eat us.

No matter how much I know about the disease of addiction, what my husband is going through, and what I need to do to take care of myself and accept the life that I've chosen, I still get disappointed.

And then there's that matter of choice. Today, I am choosing to be with my husband, fully accepting him in the way that he is: beautiful, broken, selfish, sick, dependent. Today, I love him, and I have hope that things will be better. What confuses me is where that idea of hope crosses over into me having expectations. If this is the best I can hope for, then it's not what I want. If this is as good as it will ever be in this relationship, it's not good enough for me.

If it's going to be better, though, I want to wait. By "better," I mean if he is going to be working and if he is going to act like a grownup one day...if he is going to be someone who I can rely on to be my partner, to offer support, to share my life.

Sometimes I'm so good at acceptance. I am compassionate and understanding and forgiving...I am able to let go of my resentment and let go of my expectations and just live, just enjoy. I am able to do these things not just because I love my husband very much, but because I know that it's a better way to live my life...accepting each day that's good as a gift is much better than constantly striving towards some inachievable ideal.

But sometimes, after a few glasses of wine, and when it's a time that I can't retrieve, start over, or try again, I let myself expect. I let myself desire. Last night, I wanted a relatively simple few things: a clean house, a nice dinner, to make love, and to talk about our past and our future with a sense of accomplishment for both of us. Instead, he reminisced over every person he's ever fucked over and questioned why they didn't see it coming, questioned how they can be angry over their broken hearts.

So now, I'm going to try to think differently, again. I'm stuck in an expectations rut. I'm going to think about right now, about my day and the way that it's going. I'm going to indulge myself somehow, possibly with eBay shopping or possibly with something delicious to eat, and I'm going to take charge of the ways that I feel. I'm not going to hold myself hostage anymore, and I'm not going to let my husband's unhappiness with the way his life is working infect me.

I love him. He loves me. We're together, and sometimes, it's really beautiful. I have a fun job, a house, and great friends. My life is going well. Today, that's enough.

6 comments:

Absurdity said...

I admire your strength.

just another addict said...

JFT.
Love,
Scout

kristi said...

I feel the same way lately.

One Wacky Mom said...

You know Junkys wife, we're all broken. All of us. What we all have to decide is whether or not our partner's meet our needs. That's all. None of us is perfect.

Every marriage is work. Let me say that again better....ever good marrriage is alot of work...trust me a lot of freaking work. And there is a very find line between love and hate. Some days your like them some days you don't.

And that's OK. No partner no matter how great they may be is ever going to meet all of your needs. But if you LIKE THEM...FIRST LIKE THEM, and they bring out the best in you...then that's worth saving.

There are good times and bad times......but you know what? It was the hell that we've been through that made us what we are....but it took a whole lot of freaking work to get here. 85% of the people with special needs kids get divorced. Its a lot easier to walk away than it is to stay...now I'm not dealing with what you're dealing with...but we all have our own shit.

Trust yourself Junky's wife...that's the hardest lesson I've ever learned in my life...trust yourself first!

Mantramine said...

I think next time I want to go on a roller coaster ride, I'll go to the fair. At least they sell cotton candy there... how 'bout you?

Scout said it nicely.

Ej. said...

I don't think it's fair. While I understand the undying love, the desire to live a happy life, the desire to be able to count on us, to at the very least pull our own weight; and I do, but the problems seem never ending.

The unfairness comes from not being able to understand why you have to live like us, take you life one day at a time, not have expectations; all because we constantly disappoint.

It's not that I want my g/f to leave me, but I do want her to be happy. It's selfish of me to ask her to stay, and I don't think I really ever have.

I am beginning through you and the others understand the reasoning. But, I just think it's so unfair. Sure my wish is that I was perfect or at least normal (whatever that may be), that we can have a loving, caring, interdependent relationship; but at what point do I realize that I am unable to provide that, and at what point do I tell her that for her happiness, for her sake, for her future, that it's unfair for her to continue to live on hope. I just think it's selfish and unfair.