Thursday, July 26, 2007

The Lesbian Llama Farm Of Destiny.

It's been a while since I've proposed lesbian llama farming to my wonderful women friends as an alternative to our present lives as guardians for idiot-ass men, but my proposal of marriage to MantraMine yesterday made me think of it again, and I thought it might be fun to elaborate on my vision for my lesbian llama farm.

I'm thinking we need 10-20 wonderful women...I will select them through a careful review process involving their blogs, their undergraduate poetry manuscripts, and their ability to help me analyze my repetitive problems on the telephone again and again and again for hours. Once the finest fillies have been selected for my stable, we will move to the mountains...Colorado or Carolina...I don't care, but I must admit that I have a preference for states that have two words in their name, and also for states with interesting shapes...and since this fantasy is mine, I'll go ahead and declare that the lesbian llama farm will be in West Virginia.

There will be hardwood floors, my ladies, and soy milk flowing freely from the faucets. We will live off pure soy milk and love and the sweet soft fuzz of our llama friends. We will have babies and nurse them and wear hippy dresses all year long. We'll build fires when it's cold, and when it's hot, we'll sleep on floating bamboo palettes in the lake that we use as our water supply, which feeds our organic and vegan garden. We do not want for anything. We are tan, beautiful, surrounded by cats and pit bulls and llamas and babies, and everyone is fed, clean, smelling of patchouli and goodness. Hell, we might even have dreadlocks.

About 5 miles away, we will keep our idiot-ass men chained to beds. They will have an endless supply of pornography or heroin or bourbon or whatever it is that your idiot-ass man uses to be an idiot. This will make them forget that they are chained to beds. Periodically, when we tire of our blissful sapphic existence or have the urge to procreate, we will descend, goddess-like, from our mountaintop abode, to fuck their brains out, unchain them, clean them up, love them, scold them for abusing themselves, take them to dinner and praise the beauty of their eyelashes, until they start punching walls or asking for money. Then we will chain them back up, plug in their morphine drips or whatever it is, and leave them to fester in their shit buckets. Cum-filled, wise, and gracious, we'll go back to the llamas.

There will be one telephone, and there will be one person responsible for guarding the telephone at all times. If our addict-men decide to pretend that they're going to get their shit together, for real this time, they mean it so much, they love us and can't be without us, we'll let them ascend the mountain and consult with us, briefly, like sibylls. They will accept our wise instruction and go away like lambs to rehab or meetings or their mothers or whatever it is we think they need to act right.

From living in the land of sweet llama lovin', we will finally gather our collective strength and gain the power we've all longed for: the power to FIX. We might even have magic wands. We will wave our wands, and glitter will fly everywhere, and we will say, "You Must Stop Acting Like An Ass. Come Live With Me, And Be My Love, And Stop Injecting Yourself With Black Tar Heroin And/Or Lying On The Couch Nekkid Feeling Sorry For Yourself. Go To Meetings. I Will Fellate You And Buy You Things If You Just Act Right, You Horrible Man." And they will be so bedazzled by our wands and wisdom and beauty and magical pussies that finally, finally, their ears and minds will open, and they will hear us, and what we want will become real and true.

Who's in?

12 comments:

Chloe said...

I think i just peed myself.

Just your average girl said...

You had me a cum-filled...

DirtyBitchSociety said...

In a perfect world...yes!

Mantramine said...

Oh, you know I'm in. In fact, I'm there already- in my head. Man, we are having a great time!

just another addict said...

hmmm...how can i fit myself in here? I already am a lesbian. I'm an addict but not a using one so I can't do the chained to the bed thang. I can't procreate. I don't have llamas but I have a lot of horses in the foothills of the Great Smoky Mtns. I can make you feel like your pussy is magical, if you don't already think so.......
Somehow I think I am not invited. ;-)
Peace,
Scout
Awesome post.

longvowels said...

Deal me in.
Can my fool get a MAC, with some Final cut pro foolishness that I don't understand and some video equipment? oh and lots of q-tips. he loves q-tips!

Question said...

nothing i wrote could possible express my delight

that will be a reading in some post-post-feminism class in a couple of years, mark my words

longvowels said...

Scout is invited! You have a title. You can be a consultant or coordinator or a mistress of ceremonies! Oh you can be in charge of the phone, Mistress of Communication!

thejunkyswife said...

So Vowels has moved, like we all do, from Scout rage to Scout fanaticism. I don't want to slash her tires anymore...she's my lady, now, too. Let's see...I think Scout would be great with the phone because she's got good recovery stuff...and also, she could carry around a whip. She could bring ponies and play with the dogs and help with the babies and the food and all that. And surely there's someone you could chain to a bed? It doesn't have to be a man.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Oh, I'm crying! I love it. I'm forwarding this to my husband, so he knows what's in store. ;) I second (third?) the nomination of Scout to watch the phone.

Serenity Now Dammit! said...

This is a great and interesting fantasy, but I'm afraid it's not very realistic. You know as well as the next person that one of the lesbian llama women will start feeling sorry for the chained men, release them to invade the lesbian llama farm and then there'll be hell on earth . . . again! And given your kind and caring nature, you would be just the person to do the unchaining in a moment of insanity. Love you!

Strumpfkunst.de said...

Pleeeease let me in... Hearing your fantasy, it makes me think of my favorite tv show, McLeod's Daughters. I would probably just chain a llama to the bed, though, and neglect the man - too much trouble.