Sunday, July 15, 2007

How does one celebrate?

With no money and so many bad feelings, it's feeling hard to celebrate. I wish this first year milestone could be better. I wish I felt like we were in a stronger place. My heart is unwavering, still, but I wish, wish, wish, wish that we were celebrating in a different way. I wish we were going on a trip. I wish we were planning to have a baby. I wish we'd fixed up our home.

Every day, we are surviving.

At my meeting on Thursday, I was reminded of something important, though. I have made a choice. I have chosen this man as my husband, and I have chosen him with full understanding that it is going to be hard. My husband is an addict. He will always be an addict. I have to remind myself sometimes, even still, that this isn't a thing that will be fixed.

I still remember that first time I saw him. It was one of those moments all lit up by god-light. We argue about the first time we met. I think we're both right. I think I ignored him the first time we met, but damned if he didn't get my attention the second time.

A few days ago, I stumbled upon our marriage certificate. It made me laugh out loud. The sheer ridiculousness of it...our hopeful signatures, our social security numbers, the sadly recent date of my divorce. If we were celebrities, someone would interview us. Someone would call the newspapers. Paparazzi would follow us around, taking our pictures.

And maybe someone should call the newspapers. We've beaten the odds. We've stuck together. I never thought we'd be married, living together, having a home and dogs and domesticity. That's something to celebrate. All the wishes on stars and birthday candles and coins tossed into a fountain came true for me.

I thought today of a time when he visited me before I moved here to be with him. I was skipping class, and we were looking for a place to go outside. We found a trail in the woods in Durham, and we made love on his jacket in the grass. Afterwards, I looked up at him, his eyes the same color as the sky, and he looked down at me, my eyes the same color as the grass. I felt something transcendent, some sense of being exactly in the moment I was meant for. In that moment of perfect connection, I felt god moving between us, or something like god.

There is real beauty in our life together. Sometimes it's tragic and it hurts, but it's always beautiful. I can't imagine anything more worth celebrating.


longvowels said...


Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

Happy Anniversary. You're still together and you're still working -- that makes this day and every day special.

Question said...

I've been reading all this Buddhist stuff, and two things have stuck with me lately. I can't remember where I read this first one, but it's the idea that you were always coming to where you are right now. So where ever you are, you can look around and say, I was always coming here.

The second, that goes hand in hand with the first and is from Thich Nhat Hahn's No Death No Fear, is the idea that you are always home.

So where ever you are, you were always coming there, and you were always coming home.

I think this is a flashy way of saying "everything happens for a reason," but I like it anyway.

The conncetion here is fuzzy, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I think you are doing an amazing job of living your life right now, despite all the trails and worries and setbacks. And that I hope when you get home today, your house is clean. But even if it isn't , I hope that you still
feel at home, and that you know all the dirt is temporary.

CindyB1 said...

I hope your anniversary is a Happy one!

CindyB1 said...

I hope you have a Happy Anniversary!

CindyB1 said...

I hope you have a Happy Anniversary!

Married to an Addict said...

Happy Anniverary! One year! And for us, that is DEFINITELY something to be proud of!!

Anonymous said...

In the Big Book of AA it says, "the best years of your life lie ahead."
Believe it. They do.
Celebrate your wonderful love.
Happy Anniversary, my friend.


Wayward Son said...

Happy Anniversary. My gift to you is my acknowledgment that you have a great love in your life. I say gift because when I first started reading your blog I questioned that and felt you had some serious disillusionment to address. Now I feel the disillusionment was mine and your story gives me all kinds of hope. I hope you can appreciate this gift becaue to me it is priceless.


sKILLz said...

I know how you feel. Today is my wifes birthday and things have been so dam tight around here that I was barley able to afford a gift. She wanted to go out tonight so I went and borrowed money from a good friend so I could take her out. Of course I wish things were different and I didnt have to depend on others just to make my wife happy but this is where Im at right now.
My wife knew what I was about when we got together, as I knew about her. We love each other and thats all that matters!
Everyday that passes we grow stronger and we try to better ourselves so dont sweat it. You love him, he loves you and will have a wonderful time out.