Sunday, July 15, 2007
Can't We All Just Get A Bong?
I miss pot. There...I said it.
I want to be able to smoke pot without feeling like I'm doing drugs. I want to smoke week four times a year or so...I like the smell of it and the way it makes me laugh. I like the way it reminds me of being a teenager.
I spent that second decade of my life largely stoned. I was kind of a hippy. I'm still kind of a hippy, but I had outfits about it then, and long hair.
I'm finding myself a little angry lately at not feeling like I can enjoy messing around with pot because I have to be Mrs. McJunkyface, and if I dabble with fun drugs, then I'm somehow tempting fate or tempting him.
I've grown out of drugs...like the kind of drugs that will make you sell your mama's ass. I did piles of coke while I was in college, but even then, I always made it to class on time, maintained a stellar GPA, went to work and paid my bills. I always had it together, and I've learned since my husband's not having it together that my ability to push down breaks on my behavior indicates that I'm not an addict. He is.
But I want to be able to smoke some pot sometimes without feeling guilty. I'd love to be able to eat some mushrooms or take some acid and think about god and indulge my inner hippy without feeling like I'm betraying my husband, my blog, my program, and everything...I don't know why I'm suddenly all tormented about it.
Or maybe I do...maybe it's another thing I feel like I've sacrificed when he can't even take his ass to some meetings sometimes. I'm working to change my whole life, giving up things I don't need to give up, while his recovery is painfully slow and miserable.
I feel like I've got so much already figured out, and I'm standing on the other side of the mountain drinking water and relaxing, while he's still trying to find some kind of short cut so that he won't have to go the hard way.