Sunday, July 15, 2007

Can't We All Just Get A Bong?

I miss pot. There...I said it.

I want to be able to smoke pot without feeling like I'm doing drugs. I want to smoke week four times a year or so...I like the smell of it and the way it makes me laugh. I like the way it reminds me of being a teenager.

I spent that second decade of my life largely stoned. I was kind of a hippy. I'm still kind of a hippy, but I had outfits about it then, and long hair.

I'm finding myself a little angry lately at not feeling like I can enjoy messing around with pot because I have to be Mrs. McJunkyface, and if I dabble with fun drugs, then I'm somehow tempting fate or tempting him.

I've grown out of the kind of drugs that will make you sell your mama's ass. I did piles of coke while I was in college, but even then, I always made it to class on time, maintained a stellar GPA, went to work and paid my bills. I always had it together, and I've learned since my husband's not having it together that my ability to push down breaks on my behavior indicates that I'm not an addict. He is.

But I want to be able to smoke some pot sometimes without feeling guilty. I'd love to be able to eat some mushrooms or take some acid and think about god and indulge my inner hippy without feeling like I'm betraying my husband, my blog, my program, and everything...I don't know why I'm suddenly all tormented about it.

Or maybe I do...maybe it's another thing I feel like I've sacrificed when he can't even take his ass to some meetings sometimes. I'm working to change my whole life, giving up things I don't need to give up, while his recovery is painfully slow and miserable.

I feel like I've got so much already figured out, and I'm standing on the other side of the mountain drinking water and relaxing, while he's still trying to find some kind of short cut so that he won't have to go the hard way.


awannabe said...

What came across is a feeling of jealousy and resentment. I've felt that way too. My husband has his addictions and I struggle with mine. Patience can be really trying. Hang in there.

longvowels said...

i miss dating.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I've struggled with some of these feelings around sex and porn. I'll blog about that one day -- just not this week.

Anonymous said...

"he's still trying to find some kind of short cut so that he won't have to go the hard way."

G-d this seems so, so true of G. And I wish I could tell him to get a move on and do SOMEthing because he's going to wake up one day and find that you have grown so much that he can barely see you.

Ultimately, though my dear friend, you can do what you like and he simply has to deal. He is responsible for his recovery. I know you wouldn't, but you could smoke weed and blow it in his face and he still couldn't blame anything on you if he chose to use. Now that he is clean, he has a CHOICE to use or not to use. And it's all up to him and the G-d he claims to have.
You can do what you want. It's not you with the addiction.

P.S. Sometimes I want to come to your house and shake the shit out of him. Wake the fuck up, Dude!

UrbanThought said...

The more and more I read your blog the more I understand relationships and sacrafice. I'm not sure I could do it. Giving up what I enjoy for another. But then I know I haven't experienced love. Love will make you do things like stop... And you can fill in the rest from there.

I hear you. I cannot say that I feel you. But I continue to read for a deeper understanding.

Anonymous said...

My g/f smokes, she always has, it never bothers me. She just does her thing, goes out to the garage, or outside. It has never bothered me, for me pot is like alcohol, I can take it or leave it, and to be honest I don't really like it all that much, and I quit because of some BS they fed me at the clinic about it messes up the binding of methadone, plus they test for it and I want my take homes. lol. That, and if I really want to work a program, then, I guess I should follow the instructions. So, I don't smoke. I agree with Scout, do what you want. If you want to smoke, smoke.