Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Lying Eyes.

I found that I'm allergic to a combination of blue eyes and dark hair in a man. My reaction to exposure can be fatal. I clipped this picture of my husband's eyes to see if they hypnotize my readers in the way that they hypnotize me. His entire face is beautiful, but his eyes are the most compelling. From the first moment I saw him, I was hooked on his eyes. I couldn't look at him and I couldn't stop looking at him.

Through the years we were having an affair, it would take me a few weeks when we were "on" instead of "off" to be able to look him in his eyes. It was fortunate for me that my first husband's eyes were also blue, as the "blue eyes" reference is overwhelming in all my writing.

It's why I fell in love. If the eyes are the amulets of the mind, I wanted the mind behind that beautiful color. It is just a color, but that color came full of meaning for me. I'm not sure what it means. It's almost funny to think of the wreckage spilling out behind this relationship: a marriage ruined, lovers scorned, lies in heaps. All because I am chasing this color.

"Tell me, sweet eyes, from what divinest star did ye drink in your liquid melancholy?"
-Baron Lytton

It's like the color of the "Save Now" button in Blogger, or the color of the scroll bar.

It is also the frame and setting of his eyes. They are set deep in his head, in hollows, and often ringed in black. His lashes are long and dark.

And their expressiveness, or the lack of expression...both drive me mad. His eyes can shine and be mischevous, or shut down, almost as if a veil has fallen over them, or as if they have turned inward. The inward-look frightens me, but it's very sexy. It usually comes when he is telling some kind of horrible truth or revealing an inner vulnerability.

"With affection beaming in one eye and calculation shining out of another."
-Charles Dickens

So look at the eyeball picture! Do you want to give him money? That is usually what they make me want to do. When I look deep in his eyes, I want to give him money, or rub his back, or take off his clothes and lie with my head on his chest. I wish I could take a picture of the way his hair smells. Then you'd understand.


DirtyBitchSociety said...

Don't think I don't know exactly what you are saying. Sonny (my ex) has clear blue eys, doe shaped with dark hair and that prominent Sioux nose of his. I hate him with all of me and love him with every fiber. We've been apart, almost nine years, the exact number of years that I'll have been clean, from the Horse. I still talk to him, just yesterday. He's in my head, stuck, painfully there. I loved his smell. It's so hard. You love so passionately, just as I did.

Anonymous said...

Beautiful post, the honesty and love are eloquently exposed. The scary part is the lure or power you allow him over you. It scares me to think that with a look he could ask for money and you would give it to him. All of the other things are beautiful thoughts, to look in his eyes and want to lay with him, to love him, these are things you can always do for him, but boundaries you must set. I know you would do anything for him out of love, but remember to be interdependent not codependent, and absolutely do not allow him to be dependent, not just on drugs, but on you as well.

Also remember that he is not the only one who is recovering and rebuilding his life. You need to consider yourself as well. The majority of your posts are about him, about how he is changing, how he is growing, all great positive things, but don't loose yourself in his process. Share and acknowledge your changes, your growth, and your beauty as well.

thejunkyswife said...

Hah...I thought that maybe if my readers saw his eyes, they'd suddenly start clicking the Google ads, madly!

Married to my Ex said...

My headache also has dark brown hair (almost black except lighter now with premature grey) and the most beautiful pale blue eyes. It is a wicked combination, a troublesome pairing. Maybe at the next meeting you should say,
"It isn't another addict you should try to stay away from but men with brown hair and blue eyes! Everyone else is safe!". lol
Thankfully not one kid of ours has those eyes. Although spitting images of their dad I guess the kiddos have more of my insides than I thought (I hope!.

mahog said...

fucking eyes! they kill me. I got my own blue eyed issue but he's a dirty blonde...