Thursday, May 17, 2007

I want a baby.

Goddamn it, I want a baby. There was a beautiful little boy at my meeting tonight, with big blue eyes, nuzzling his mother. His skin was so soft, and his little tiny fingers were so perfect and beautiful.

I remember when my sister was my age, she started talking about how she really craved a baby, the smell and feel of one. I thought she was being somehow unfeminist or something...I didn't think that there would really be a biological pull that I would be able to feel.

And maybe it's not a biological could be a sociological pull...but whatever it is, it's strong, and I want a baby. But I'm married to a crazy mofo, and a baby is really ou tof the question right now. We're poor, and he's crazy.

The first time we slept together, though, I knew that I wanted to have his babies. We began talking about it, immediately--really at first it was a shocking thing to think of--how we'd reveal our affair to everyone through our love seemed like a story that would fit the tenor of our romance.

There is something about the physical connection that we have, though, that makes me want to make something out of our bodies. The idea of being pregnant with his child is delicious to would be like we were making love all the time, with a part of him always inside of me. And I can't even imagine the love I'd feel for our child...I love my niece so very powerfully, and she's just my niece. I love to think of the way I'd love a baby that's part me, part would be so beautiful, so creative, so fucking nuts. Such a little depressive suicidal addict.



Anonymous said...

Wanting a baby is healthy and natural. It also shows you want the stable environment that would be best for the baby to grow up in. Because it's only a baby for a moment, then a child with eyes and ears that don't miss a thing. And then a teen with scary choices of his/her own, and then an adult replaying out their own youth.
I believe this pull is a very strong one, but please let it be a pull towards a better life FOR your babies, not just for the babies themselves. Maybe it can be a motivator.
I married young,had 2 children, divorced after 18 years due to his chronic depression and hostility and unwillingness/inability to work through them. (And he was a therapist!) It took every grain of strength inside me to raise 2 teenagers to be the strong independent women they are today. And yet they still have damage from what they've been through, MOSTLY from the fact that they are not able to depend on their father, which remains true to this day.
So while children are wonderful, timing is everything, as is having a stable, dependable, giving partner.
When I read about your disappointment about the NY trip, I know that this is how your child would feel. And that is the worst feeling.
Trust me, I've been there.
I read your blog every day although I've never commented before. I hope you don't think I'm lecturing - just sending a cautionary note from someone who cares.

kristi said...

It is only natural to want a child from the man you love. Atleast you are smart enough to know now is not the time. From experience, I know that it is never financially easy. You just THINK you are broke til you have kids.