Goddamn it, I want a baby. There was a beautiful little boy at my meeting tonight, with big blue eyes, nuzzling his mother. His skin was so soft, and his little tiny fingers were so perfect and beautiful.
I remember when my sister was my age, she started talking about how she really craved a baby, the smell and feel of one. I thought she was being somehow unfeminist or something...I didn't think that there would really be a biological pull that I would be able to feel.
And maybe it's not a biological pull...it could be a sociological pull...but whatever it is, it's strong, and I want a baby. But I'm married to a crazy mofo, and a baby is really ou tof the question right now. We're poor, and he's crazy.
The first time we slept together, though, I knew that I wanted to have his babies. We began talking about it, immediately--really at first it was a shocking thing to think of--how we'd reveal our affair to everyone through our love child...it seemed like a story that would fit the tenor of our romance.
There is something about the physical connection that we have, though, that makes me want to make something out of our bodies. The idea of being pregnant with his child is delicious to me...it would be like we were making love all the time, with a part of him always inside of me. And I can't even imagine the love I'd feel for our child...I love my niece so very powerfully, and she's just my niece. I love to think of the way I'd love a baby that's part me, part him...it would be so beautiful, so creative, so intelligent...so fucking nuts. Such a little depressive suicidal addict.