Wednesday, May 2, 2007

Attempting To Look Up.

"The optimist sees the rose, but not its thorns. The stares at the thorns, oblivious to the rose."
It's so hard to accept goodness for nothing but goodness, to take sweetness for itself. After being hurt so many times, I am having a hard time swallowing simple pleasure, experiencing happiness, without allowing it to be tinged by dread. I am spending my life in fear, projecting horror onto my future, constantly anticipating something miserable that's coming. Maybe that's why I keep having 's "" on my mind...that rough beast, slouching, is always on my horizon, looming like a reaper in the corner.

It's protective. It's destructive. This habit of mind is making me a bitter old woman before my time.
"A Pessimist is never disapointed."
It's not so. I'm constantly disappointed. No matter how I expect that I've protected myself by expecting the worst, I'm never prepared for what really happens. I'd do much better to just enjoy, each day for what it is, and let it rest when I do. I should enjoy yesterday and this morning and all the beauty and contentment I felt without the accompanying dread.

"It's easy to cry when you realize that everyone you love will either reject you or die."
If I gain nothing else from the experiences of the last few months, I hope I am at least more aware of the moment I'm in. I want to let go of my habits. I want to be able to look up, sometimes, to be hopeful.

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