Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Please Go To Work.

As much as I'm trying to be patient with him, I just really want him to go back to work. At one of my meetings, one woman described how she had been in my position before...wanting her husband to do everything right because he had stopped using...expecting him suddenly to begin doing dishes, picking up his clothes, helping with the kids, and WORKING. He won't go back. I don't quite understand why.

And I don't know what I'm going to do about it. I want to be patient, and the most important thing to me is that he recovers and gets his head straightened out. However, I am not a wealthy woman. I get so angry when I go to work every day and come home and he's just been sitting around, hanging out, doing nothing. He is feeling better, so I don't understand why he won't get off his ass and go to work.

Or I do understand, but I don't care? I understand that he is feeling anxious, that he has lied and lied and is apprehensive about going back to work and dealing with the lies, that he is afraid that he isn't good enough...however, I do not understand how he can be content to lie on the couch day in and day out and let me go to work and support him. Not only does he allow me to support him, he demands things. He asks me to buy him shit. He EXPECTS me to buy him shit. It makes me crazy.

I am also afraid that he will have come this far, gotten his head together, gotten clean, and I will let his unemployment be the thing that finally breaks me. Working is important to me, and protecting my money and making sure that I'm always able to take care of myself and my bills is something that I value. I refuse to let him drain my finances, and I want a partner who has similar ideas and goals about financial stability.

I hate it, too, because he's finally coming back to himself. Being around him right now is such a joy in so many ways because he's enjoying life so much. He's hyper-aware of the trees, the smell of spring, the flowers--everything is beautiful and exciting to him. I want to appreciate it. I want to enjoy watching him enjoy life. Today, in fact, he is clean for 30 days. That's a big deal. I want to celebrate it with him.

I thought of taking him out to dinner tonight to somewhere kind of nice, and I'd like to do that, but I don't want to spend the money because he won't go to work.


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